


Bang Bang, he shot me down

by Immortalpen



Series: Reylo parallel universe collection [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-16 18:33:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14171013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immortalpen/pseuds/Immortalpen
Summary: Rey escaped the world she was born into, orphaned by junkies and cast adrift in the system, through sheer hard work and determination. When her foster brother, Finn, gets drawn into the underworld and draws Rey with him, will she be able to escape a second time, after catching the eye of it's very own son, Kylo Ren. Mini story.Inspired by the Nancy Sinatra song - Bang Bang (my baby shot me down)





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

_I was five, and he was six  
We rode on horses made of sticks_

 

 

 

Rey stared down at the address scrawled on the back of an envelope, looking up her phone again, as she walked down the deserted road, snaking through industrial units and warehouses, shrouded in darkness. Every step she took from the bright street and where she had gotten out the cab, the closed chain link fence signalling the end of her company for the trip.

The cab driver had not seemed to have any second thoughts about dropping her in the middle of nowhere at midnight. Her sneakers crunched on the gravel of the unfinished road, and her eyes darted to and from the windows, empty staring sockets handing over her. Every now and again, she thought she could see a shadow move in the moonlight. She came to the end of the path, and spied a large warehouse squatting across the bottom of the estate, backed flush onto the forest behind. Some of the broken windows were filled with soft, orange light. Gathering her nerve, she approached it slowly, her med kit heavy in her hand, as she gripped her phone hard, the little pin and glowing location finally meeting.

 

_“If you care about your brother, you will come and meet us, he needs medical help”_

_“What? Who is this? What happened?”_

_“Finn is hurt.”_

_“Call an ambulance, I’m just a nurse-“_

_“Not possible. Either come or don’t”_

_“Fine, fine, tell me where to go”_

 

The fraught phone call that had started this journey into danger had only been an hour ago, and yet, as she approached the silent building, a door swinging soundlessly open in front of her, a yawning black hole cut through the night, it felt like she had aged a year. A young guy stood in the doorway, holding the heavy, metal back, and gestured her forward with his other hand. He was pale in the moonlight, wearing a black hoodie, and all she could see of his face was a couple of piercings and the beginning of a neck tattoo. She took a deep breath, every instinct she had screaming at her to leave this place, run as fast as she could in the opposite direction, and yet Finn was in there. _Finn_. She had no choice.

The hallway inside was littered with building materials and rubbish, the walls tagged with bright colours. She started along, skittering to the side as the man who had held the door followed closely behind, but kept his hands to himself. She walked on quickly, making for the orange glow at the end of the hall. The narrow corridor opened out into a cavernous room, surrounded by a metal catwalk above. There were a couple of fires burning in trash cans around, and standing around them, was a whole lot of dark figures. Rey swallowed hard, suddenly overwhelmed by how very far from safety she was. The men looked up as she entered, still dressed in pale blue scrubs, her med kit clutched to her chest. She turned to look at the man just behind her.

“Finn?” she said, and he gestured over to the far wall, where she now saw a low bed, with several people surrounding it. Forgetting her nerves, she practically ran over to it, and saw Finn, laying prone on the dirty mattress. He had his eyes closed, but they slid open at her voice, his strong mahogany brow was beaded with sweat, his mouth in a tense line. She dropped to her knees beside him, reaching for his wrist and feeling his pulse.

“How long has he been like his?” she asked one of the men standing near her, who shrugged in response.

“Did he take something?” she asked again, looking around for someone to answer her. When no response was forthcoming, she swore under her breath, and turned the full brunt of her frustration on the useless observers.

“If you’re not going to tell me anything, why even call? What did he take? Someone with half a brain, tell me” she demanded, standing up now and spinning to face the watchers.

There was silence for a long beat, and then the sound of a few coughs and half hidden laughs, then a long slow whistle.

“I had no idea Finn’s sister was such a little fire ball.” Someone said, stepping closer to her, as Rey regarded him warily.

“And such a pretty little piece too… I can think of a few good uses for that smart mouth” the guy goaded, and Rey bristled, wrapping her arms around her chest defensively. 

“Enough” a low voice called over the escalating cat calls, and silence slammed down in its wake. Rey turned toward the source of the authoritative command, and saw a man, surrounded by others, crouching before one of the fires on his haunches, his back to her. Slowly, he rose to an impressive height, straightening long arms and limbs, and pushing back a curtain of dark hair that had fallen over his face, before turning to her. He crossed the space between them slowly, his eyes on her, as the men to either side of her fell away in his presence, including the one who had been propositioning her.

He stopped a little away, and she got the impression that he was wary of towering over her too much, a man so broad and tall he was no doubt used to his physical size being intimidating. He was wearing a leather jacket with a sweater beneath, all in varying tone of black, and dark jeans, with heavy boots on his feet. His hair was long, framing his face with dark waves. His skin seemed to catch the moonlight, pale and freckled, and his features resolved into an interesting and arresting mix, as he emerged fully from the shadows.

“He took Pink.” He said, confirming Rey’s worst fear. Blood draining from her face, she whirled around and knelt back down at Finn’s side, her mind racing.

“Why can’t he go to hospital?” she demanded as she felt his pulse again, and pulled a bottle of water from her bag.

“Do you really need to ask?” that low voice asked. Rey ground her teeth in frustration, feeling the dark-haired man crouch down beside her.

“Anyway, there’s no real treatment for Pink.”

“Thanks for the info. Just watch for seizures and make sure he doesn’t stop breathing” Rey said bitterly, taking Finn’s hands in her own, squeezing his cooling fingers. She felt a tear drip out the corner of her eye, and streak down her face, and turned to see the stranger sitting back on heels watching her, his face unreadable.

“He’s cold” she whispered, taking a space blanket out of the med kit and spreading it over him.

“Why did you call me, when I can’t do anything for him?” she asked suddenly, and the large man looked back to Finn, whose head was moving back and forth gently, as though he were in an active dream or hallucination.

“He’d want you here, just in case… to say goodbye” the man said, and Rey couldn’t stop a sob bursting out at his pragmatic words. He said it with the casualness of someone who was personally acquainted with death, in an intimate way. Someone who expected it, any time, any day.

  

She sat beside for Finn for hours, as the light slowly lightened into day outside the broken down windows. The men watching had drifted away over time, as well as the dark haired man, a leader of some sort it seemed. No one else bothered her, during her vigil, as she gave Finn sips of water, monitored his heartbeat and kept him warm. She fell asleep, kneeling on the cold floor beside the low bed, her hands around Finn’s, the long shift she had worked before coming in catching up with her.

 

“Rey?” a familiar voice croaked, pulling her awake and she pushed herself up, Finn’s face being the first, most appreciated sight.

“Oh my god, I thought-“ she trailed off as she pushed herself into his arms. He pulled her close and relaxed on the bed.  
“How do you feel?” Rey asked.

“Terrible” he admitted, and Rey pushed herself up, sending Finn’s breath whooshing out under her.

“What were you thinking?? Pink? Do you have a death wish?” she demanded.

“Please, I feel too awful for you to be mad at me too” he complained.  
“Who else is mad at you?”

“The guys probably, definitely the boss man” Finn said, and Rey once again pushed herself up and looked at her foster brother and best friend.

“What boss? Finn – you can’t mean… you haven’t been.. working for these guys” she said, barely able to ask, so horrified was she by the prospect. Finn avoided her gaze, in a move she knew too well, and she shot out a hand and grabbed his chin, pulling his face around to hers.

“You have… you’ve been dealing?” she asked, disbelief still colouring every word. With their childhood, it was hardly a leap, but she had thought Finn so far above that life, the one she herself had worked desperately to avoid.

“It’s not that bad, I’m not dealing to kids or anything, it’s more like business to business” Finn said.  
“Business to business – listen to yourself. You are telling me you’ve become one of the parasites that sucked the life blood out of so many people we know, communities that we’ve lived in… and it’s not that bad?! You’ve become a soulless, conscience free-” she broke off, her tone ugly with anger and disappointment, as Finn’s eyes focused over her shoulder, and he paled further if possible.

“Rey” he whispered, almost silently, and Rey became aware of a looming presence over her shoulder. She pushed herself up, drawing herself up to her fullest height, and turned to look up at the man who had listened into the end of their conversation.

“Don’t let me stop you, seems like you were just getting started” He said with something close to a smirk, that made her anger spike even higher in her veins. She crossed her arms over her dirty scrubs, the movement pushing her arms against his chest a little.

“Yeah, I was just getting started. I take it you’re the “boss man” figure in this bunch of miscreants?”

“You would be correct”

“Well done on taking a young man, barely out of teens, one who has had to overcome a lifetime of neglect and abuse and exposure to the filthiest, lowest echelons of human existence, and dragging him right back down there.”

“We aren’t the army, we don’t draft” the man said in response.

“Course not, you offer desperate people easy solutions to their problems, and then twist them into tools you can use to carry out your evil doing, and the guilt and shame of that ties them to you forevermore. Right? Of course, everyone works for you out of free will” she spat, and refused to back up when he suddenly leaned down, bring that singular face closer to hers, his dark eyes shining.

“You have a lot of opinions, perhaps you shouldn’t be so eager to express them, given the company you are keeping”

“Unwanted company. Finn and I will be out of your hair as soon as I can convince an Uber to come to this part of town. Then, you won’t have to see me or hear my opinions again.” Rey said, contemptuously looking him over. His mouth quirked up into a smile for a moment and she had the sudden impression of how handsome he would be without the sombre expression she’d seen from him so far.

“Shame, we were just getting to know each other” he said slowly, taking a step back, and running his eyes down her.

“I’m Kylo by the way. And you are-“ he trailed off, watching as she tapped furiously at her phone and ignored him completely.

“I would offer you a lift” she shot him a scathing look, and left the app searching for a driver as she turned to Finn and pulled him upright. He came up cautiously, looking at the man standing over them nervously.

“Look, Ren, I wasn’t my fault, the bag broke, and you know Pink, all it takes is a touch.”

“We’ll talk about it later, just rest for now” Kylo said, bracing himself for impact as Rey spun around again.

“No, you will not talk about it later. This finishes now. Whatever job he was supposed to do or any of that is over.”

“Rey, you don’t understand” she whipped her head to look at Finn.

“You nearly died. I understand completely.” Finn dropped her gaze and let out a long breath.

“What does he need to do to be done with this, done with you?” Rey asked, turning back to Kylo Ren, who was watching her with far too much interest for her to feel comfortable.

“I suppose the first step would be to work off the money he lost destroying the Pink”

“Can’t he just pay you for it?” Kylo raised an eyebrow.

“He could, if he can afford it…”

“How much? Rey said, raising her chin at him, and he resisted the sudden, alien urge to cup it.

“Rey-“ Finn groaned behind her, and she felt her stomach draw in with nerves.

“5k, and I’m doing you a favour, since you’ve been _such_ a delight” Kylo said, watching panic shoot through her hazel eyes before they hardened with resolution.

“Ok, that’s fine. We can get the money” she said, and Kylo knew that she certainly wasn’t talking about Finn.

“And then you’ll leave him alone?” she said, still bravely glaring up at him, and he found himself quite fascinated by that vitriol.

“As you wish” he said, stepping back, and indicating the door, showing them they were free to leave. He watched as Rey put her slight weight under her much larger brother’s, supporting him with sheer strength of will alone it seemed, and started toward the doorway.

“Of course, there is the matter of timing. In these situations, reparations cannot be late. Interest piles up quickly. I’ll need the money immediately” he said, and watched her shoulders scrunch, and then, she slowly turned, and he had the impression she was counting to ten, to prevent herself from coming back and slapping him.

“Define immediately” she snapped, and he admired her straight to business mind-set.

“Tomorrow” he said simply, and watched that proud chin waver in the air, as the little fire ball took the blow. He let the silence drag out as they watched each other, until he judged her ready for his next proposal.

“Of course, if you can’t get the money by then… there are other arrangements that can be made…”

“I can get the money” she said roughly, and he bit off a sting of disappointment that she wouldn’t be forced to make a deal with him, that he wouldn’t have leverage over this intriguing little force of nature. Instead he smiled.

“Good to hear. Tomorrow then” he said, meeting Finn’s desperate eyes, and watching them walk away. He walked to a nearby, shattered window and saw the light outside, falling softly on the pair, as morning painted the sky with pinks and golds, saw it light up her hair, soft brown with caramel threads. An angel of compassion and vengeance in her pale scrubs, drifting gracefully through the wreckage of the damned place all around her. He watched until they were long gone, and the day had brightened into full light. Time to get back to work.

 

 .

.

.

.

.

.

 

 

“It would just be an advance, a temporary thing, a one off, I swear” Rey said, as she resisted the urge to bit her fingernails, standing in payroll, stuck in the basement of the hospital in one of the smallest and most depressing rooms she had ever been in, and that was saying something, considering the previous day.

“I’d love to help, hun, but we just don’t do that. If we make an exception for you, then what’s next? You’ll get doctor Organa rolling in here asking for an advance to make her next boat payment or something. I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do” Shirley, the payroll admin said, looking at Rey apologetically as she filed her nails. Rey dug her fingers into her palms and gave her a lame smile.

“I understand. It’s fine. Honestly” she turned and walked down the dimly lit hall toward the elevator bank, her mind furiously cycling through anyone she could think of who might help. Just one of the wonderful problems of being an orphan tended to be not having even one family member to fall back on in times of crisis, except Finn, who was the very reason that she was in this mess in the first place.

 

* * *

 

 

The day came and went, with no sign of Kylo Ren or his lackies. She kept looking over her shoulder in the street, but never saw anything amiss, kept watching Finn, checking where he was going and who with, who his messages were from whenever his phone went off, like a ticking time bomb between them.

After a whole week, she started to relax a little, and they settled into a pattern. She had hounded Finn to apply for the job she had seen going at the hospital for an orderly. The money wasn’t great, but at least he was helping people and she could pull some strings to get him the interview.

All her frustrations with him had arisen again, when he blew off the interview, telling her that he’d gotten a job bartending at a local joint. She hated the unsocial hours and the crowd he’d be around every night, but she figured at least he was taking an interest in something and contributing to rent.

She wasn’t naïve enough to think that Kylo Ren had gotten where he had by forgetting people owed him $5,000, and so, she dutifully began to squirrel money away wherever she could. She clipped coupons, picked up extra shifts and stole Finn’s tip money from his pockets before he woke up after working the bar on busy nights.

Two weeks passed, and Rey checked her stash and was glad to see it was building up. It was her night off, and she felt like she’d aged a hundred years since the day she’d answered her phone and spoken to the man called Kylo Ren.

She was going to Finn’s bar that night, a surprise, because she couldn’t bear to sit home alone on her only night off, and she didn’t know anywhere else to go or anyone else to ask to come with her.

She dressed in black skinny jeans and a black t-shirt, deep v barely even showing a hint of her modest cleavage, topped with her old, beat up leather jacket, and headed out the door, walking the slightly too long distance to save an extra bit. As she approached the bar, she saw a heavily muscled man standing in the doorway, and the sign over the front. First Order. She had never heard of it, though, she was hardly up with the coolest spots to hang out. She flashed her ID to the bouncer, who looked at her expressionlessly, before waving her in. She entered the dimly lit bar, seeing it was much fancier than she had expected. Chrome shone under the red lights, and a long, black polished bar graced the middle, with people milling about on both sides. A spectacular, complicated light feature held centre stage running above the bar and along almost the entire length of the room. It was red and black glass, with white shards of light, it swirled around in abstract spikes. The music thumped low in her stomach as she made her way over the black marble floor. She was a little underdressed, she realised, seeing girls sway past, dressed to the nines in short tight dresses, hair straightened to perfection and half the make up counter on. Rey felt a little conspicuous in her mascara and lip gloss, before deciding to brazen it out, as she usually did. She was just there to see Finn, maybe get some free drinks, and not at all check that he was actually holding down a job.

She approached the bar, and was instantly relieved to see him behind it, dressed in a black collared shirt, pushed to the elbows, and smiling brightly at a customer.

“Looking good!” she exclaimed as she propped her hands on the bar and gave him a wave. The double take he did when he saw her was almost comical, as his expression changed from happy to anxious and then overly casual in the space of a few seconds.

“Rey! You didn’t say you were thinking of coming by” he said.

“I know, I wanted to surprise you”

“By surprise, do you mean check up on me?”

“No, smart ass I don’t. This place looks great, well done” she said truthfully, looking around a little, and jumping when Finn clamped a hand down on her wrist.

“That’s great, thanks. Look, tonight isn’t a great night for visiting, I mean, I’m swamped and can’t hang out” he said in a rush, and she frowned at him.

“I don’t need entertaining, just go on and work and I’ll just be here with my… free drink?” she asked hopefully. Finn just stared at her a long moment, seeming lost for words.

“I just started, I can’t be giving away free drinks…” he said uncertainly, and Rey rolled her eyes.

“How ungentlemanly of you, if a lady asks for a drink, it’s practically a crime to refuse her” a familiar voice spoke just past her shoulder, and she didn’t have to turn to see who it was, his voice, along with that hateful night emblazoned in her memory forever. She stared at Finn instead, as his cheeks heated, and he avoided her gaze. Suddenly it all made sense. They weren’t being hounded for money, because Finn was still working for Kylo Ren and he had been lying to her again. Rey felt so angry at herself for being naïve all over again.  At length she turned, and looked up at the man she had been seeing in every tall, dark stranger over the last few weeks, whilst hoping against all hopes that it hadn’t been him.

He smiled a calculatingly at her.

“Rey” his voice almost seemed warm as it stroked her name. She didn’t trust herself to speak. He turned to the bar and gestured another bar tender over.

“What’s your pleasure?” he asked, as Rey stared at the side of his face, her expression mutinous. She turned on her heel, and took a few steps, meaning to leave straight away, and flay Finn alive when he got home. His hand snapped out, fast as a snake, and latched onto her wrist, stilling her. It wasn’t tight, it didn’t hurt, but for some reason seemed an incredible burning weight. She turned back to him, fire in her eyes.

“Please, have a drink with me, let’s meet as civilised parties, concerning your brother’s reparation” he said softly. She pointedly pulled her wrist from his grasp, and he let it go easily. They stared at each other again, and Rey stared to feel like every time she met this guy’s bottomless eyes they were engaging in some sort of contest.

She stepped forward, and looked toward the bar, which he took as agreement, smiling slightly, he stepped aside and ushered her forward, his hand hovering on the small of her back, the heat scorching her with awareness of him.

They sat, and she avoided his eyes in the mirror over the bar, focusing instead on the colourful array of bottles decorating the shelves. She felt the weight of his scrutiny on her, his eyes roaming her face, with alarming detail, and she realised that he was not a person used to being questioned. He was a man used to being obeyed in all things, and not having to explain himself. She turned and looked at him, finding him sitting much closer than she’d thought.

“Well, talk” she said shortly.

“What, no small talk? What would you like to drink?”

“I don’t care” she bit out and he watched her closely, tipping his head to the side in his contemplation.

“No, that’s not right at all. I think you like fruity things, but not too sweet, not too much alcohol either. You don’t like to lose control” he said, and she snorted, she couldn’t help it.

“Do you think you’re some kind of cocktail reader, are you going to see my future in the bottom of a Manhattan, tell me I’m going to meet a tall, dark stranger…”

  
“Well, it appears that has already happened” he murmured, and ordered from the bartender, sitting back, looking awfully self-satisfied, as he turned to face her, his long legs bracketing hers, perched on the edge of the bar stool, ready to bolt at any moment.

“Relax, no harm will come to you here”

“What about Finn?”

“He came to me… a second time. You know, you really should be more grateful, I don’t bend the rules for everyone” he said, taking her freshly made Manhattan from the bar and offering it to her. She stared at it, and then nodded at him.

“You first” she instructed. He quirked an eyebrow at her, and then obliged, taking a sip.

“If I wanted to poison you with Pink, there are easier ways, not to mention less obvious” he said, offering her the pink cocktail glass back. She took it, and hesitantly raised it to her lips, as he waited. She took a small sip, desperate for the soothing alcohol, glad for the way the cold liquid helped cut through her panic and confusion, still so near the surface.

“I have most of the money together…thank you for the extra time” she said stiffly. He frowned a little at her.

“I didn’t give you extra time, I accepted Finn’s offer, and payment schedule.”

“I don’t want him working here, I don’t want him around any of this” she said, a little fiercely.

“I have already got half the money, if you could just be kind enough to give me another 2 weeks, and I’ll have it all” Kylo let out a long breath, and placed him whiskey glass down on the bar, and steepled his fingers, looking at her over them.

“Rey, can I call you Rey? This is delicate and I don’t want to insult your intelligence, as you are clearly a very capable and intelligent lady, but do you really think after being 2 weeks late with payment, that the initial amount still stands?” he asked, and Rey’s stomach plummeted to her feet.

“How much? How much is it now?”

“More than you have, and more than you can get, unless you are willing to comprise a lot more than begging for a wage advance” he said, and Rey flushed red.

“What makes you think that’s where I was going to get the money?”

“Because, I know how people like you think… In absolutes, in black and white. Your job gives you money, so who do you go to first? But that won’t work this time.” He said, leaning forward a little, he reached out a hand, and she almost flinched, thinking he was going to touch her. Instead he tucked a tendril of hair that had escaped her bun behind her ear, and the sudden intimacy of the gesture stole her words away.

“Unless you have a sugar daddy hidden way somewhere, I’m afraid you can’t buy Finn’s debt with money” he finished gravely. She felt tears threaten, before her anger surged, her familiar fighting response.

“If you’re curious, interest is calculated at 1000 a day.” She could only stare at him, and once again, her body betrayed her, sending a hot, slashing tear down her cheek. The futility of the situation pressing in and making it hard to breath.

“Shh, sweetheart, it’s alright. Don’t be upset, Finn is working it off, and he’ll be fine here” Kylo murmured, watching her cry with a hungry gaze. Gradually his words sank in, and she brushed away the tears from her cheeks.

“You said I couldn’t buy Finn’s debt with money. That implied there was something else… you were interested in” she finished, barely able to get the sentence out, her cheek heating as she heard her own words. She couldn’t meet his gaze, until she felt his fingers, hard and soft at the same time, under her chin, lifting it, so she had no choice but to meet his eyes.

“What else do you have to barter with?” he asked curiously, suddenly apprehensive to hear her answer.

“Nothing. I have nothing else” she replied at length, and once again, disappointment flooded him. Would he have taken her, if she had offered? He liked to think he wouldn’t stoop so low, a line he had never crossed before, but now, looking at her pain, under a thin veil of courage, her face perfectly wrecked, beautiful and heartbroken, he was sure that to have her, he would indeed be exactly that kind of monster.

“Then there is no alternative, I’m afraid” he said softly, and sits back. His withdraw made Rey realise how she had been leaning into him before.

She drained her drink, and stood suddenly.

“We’ll see” she said, waving to Finn, and accepting defeat for now, she shrugged her jacket back on, and turned from the bar and Kylo Ren, pushing through the crowd without a backward glance.


	2. Chapter 2

_  
Part II_

_He wore black, and I wore white  
He would always win the fight_

As the Spring slowly slid into summer, Rey tried to forget where Finn was going every night and who he was spending his time with. She continued to try and save, thinking at least she could cut down the length of time it took to pay Kylo Ren back. She accepted a date with a doctor from the hospital and focused on being normal.

After her childhood, a succession of foster homes, ending up in Unkar Plutt's home for difficult teens, as it was unofficially known, she had been aware that she was always close to that line, the one that separated people like her and Kylo Ren from others, normal people, with families and people who loved them. People with things to lose. Thinking about him, was bringing her dangerously close to the line she had been trying to escape since she had first dragged herself through nursing school on student loans, scholarships and shitty jobs.

Wrung out from working a double shift, but determined to make the most of the night, she was just leaving her house, dressed up, as much as she ever did, in a creamy wrap dress and nude heels, her hair left down in lose curls for once, when her mobile rang. She didn’t recognise the number, and considered not picking up for a moment, and then changed her mind. It was a landline number of all things.

“Hello?”

“Rey! Thank god you answered” Finn spoke quickly, and she stopped in the street to listen.

“Finn! What number is this?” she asked curiously.

“The bar. Can you come here?” he asked, and Rey immediately started to shake her head.

“No, Finn I can’t. I’m on my way to meet Dr Dameron. What’s happened?” she was afraid to ask.

“It’s a guy, one of Ren’s men… he’s hurt-“ she heard the phone get transferred between two people, and wasn’t surprised to hear a familiar, hard voice in her ear.

“I know you don’t particularly care for men like us, but there is someone in pain, and seriously injured who could do with medical help”

“Then take him to the hospital” she ground out.

“Not happening, as you know.” He replied, and Rey stared at the ground, her common sense and conscience tugging her in different directions. She heard a man shout in pain in the background, and gritted her teeth.

“If you come, I’ll take 10% off Finn’s debt” Kylo suddenly said, and she immediately rejoined.

“20%”

“15%” he replied quickly, victory already thick in his voice.

“Fine, 15%” Rey said, already regretting the decision.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can” she said, hanging up abruptly, and changing directions. She looked for a bus, and saw none coming, and so started walking. She took out her phone quickly texted her date. Dr Poe Dameron. A reputation as a bit of a player, but a nice guy and gorgeous to boot, she sighed despondently, as she tried to pick up the pace in her heels, which was proving to be impossible. She pulled them off, and started jogging in the direction of the bar. Without any information she had no idea now she was going to help this man, she didn’t even have her med kit.

Regardless, she ploughed on, and eventually, rounded a corner to see First Order, and a crowd waiting outside, as the burly bouncer put up a sign saying they were closed due to a pipe leak. The crowd was dispersing gradually as Rey arrived, and pushed through the people. The bouncer saw her, and immediately pulled open the door, and she slipped inside. Her feet were filthy and she was hot and harried as she hurried along the gleaming chrome and jet hallway. Inside was quiet, and she saw Finn polishing glasses, his eyes trained on the back.

“Rey! Thank god you came”

“Where is he?” she asked straight away, and Finn pointed down the long room

“Back office” he said, and she followed his directions, hearing pained grunts and the soft murmur of conversation as she drew closer. She stepped into an office, pushing past the bodies in the door, without an apology as she tried to get to the man, wherever he was.

“Let her through” Ren’s voice cut through the crowd and then they were parting for her.

“Give her space” he commanded just after, and Rey suddenly found herself in a rapidly emptying room, with a man propped uncomfortably on a low couch, and Kylo himself sitting beside him, a bottle of top shelf whiskey in his hand, which he was dosing the man with liberally.

Rey approached them, assessing the problems quickly. He wasn’t bleeding, there were no head wounds, he was lucid and breathing.

The she saw his legs, the cause of his discomfort, and felt her stomach roll. His jeans followed the line of his legs downwards, until the knee, where they suddenly bulged and twisted horrifically to the side. She dropped to her knees, disregarding her dress, her mind already fixed on how to treat what looked like two dislocated knee caps. She stilled Kylo’s hand as he reached the glass of alcohol to the man’s lips. The shock of contact was strange, warm and surprisingly familiar.

“No more. He could be going into shock” she said bossily as she shifted infront of the man, leaning up between his legs.

“I need to see, I have to take his jeans off” she told Kylo who immediately stood and went to the desk, picking a heavy looking pair of scissors out and returning to Rey.

“I’ll need your help” she said as she took the blades, and finally looking at Kylo, whose brow was creased with worry.

“Just tell me what to do” he said, moving to his man. Rey started to cut the jeans up the middle, then got Kylo to lift him slightly, so she could cut and tear the jeans up to his mid thing.

“That’s enough” the full ugly picture was laid out before her, and she fought the urge to flinch.

“How?” she asked as she touched the swollen flesh, already turning purple and blue around the knee cap.

“Baseball bat” Kylo replied grimly.

“Really??” she spat out, looking at him in anger.

“As far as I can tell” he confirmed, and turned from her judgemental look.

“I need you to hold him. This is going to hurt” she said, and took hold of his ankle. Kylo went to the man, and whispered in his ear, seeming to comfort him, and held his upper half hard against the chair, arms restrained at his sides. It was almost an embrace, and Rey, seeing the man quiet and unaware, pulled quickly and turned it. His scream made her bite her tongue. She looked at the reset leg, and checked it, seeing normal blood flow start to return to the lower half of his leg.

“One down. This one will be worse” she warned a white faced Kylo. He took a stabilising breath, and returned to his half embrace, gripping so tightly, she saw his fingers turning white.

“One… two-“ she pulled and twisted, and fell backward as the man’s other leg shot out reflexively knocking her backwards. She caught herself on her elbows and watched the man, almost sobbing in pain bury his face in Kylo’s shoulder. She was surprised to see how his leader calmed him, comforted him, and he grew quieter under his quiet words. She was surprised also to see how worried and pained Kylo was. He looked exhausted by the whole thing. She rose, and went to look for something to splint the knees.

When she returned, two short poles in hand, ripped from fittings behind the bar and masking tape to bind them, she found the man she was treating barely staying awake, trauma and shock making him sleepy, and Kylo, drinking the whiskey straight from the bottle.

“Quite the scavenger” he said, looking at the items she had dug up.

“I have to splint the legs. He can’t bend them, then he has to rest” she said, moving back to sit by his legs, raising them onto a stool placed there. She worked in silence, and Kylo watched her without comment. After she had set the second leg and bound it tightly in place, she slumped down beside Kylo to catch her breath. He silently offered her a pull of his bottle and she took it without thought, knocking it back, and coughing a little as the burn warmed her. She let out a long exhale.

“He might need an operation, if it’s not worked. It could cause him pain, forever, if he doesn’t”

“I’ll see to it” he said, and she looked at him.

“You were really worried” she said suddenly, curious about what would make this taciturn hard man worried.

“Of course, I was. He’s my family. And he got hurt on my errand… so… I’m responsible” he explained and Rey wondered about honour among thieves. Was it possible that even people like Kylo Ren had principles, as twisted, morally corrupt and convenient as they might be.

“Thank you for helping” he said suddenly.

“Well, we agreed on 15%” she said, feeling his gaze turn toward her.

“Right, and you expect me to believe that you weren’t going to come anyway?” he asked lightly.

“Believe what you want.” She said, taking another pull of whiskey and making a face when he pulled the bottle away carefully.

“That’s 25 year old single malt”

“It’s vicious and you know it. I’ll take a Manhattan any day” she said.

“That’s your prerogative. You’ve certainly earned it” he said, standing up beside her, and pulling her up too. She hadn’t realised until she stood, how much she was trembling.

“I can’t stay… I have plans” she stuttered out, suddenly realising that he meant to go and get her a drink. She wasn’t sure why suddenly she felt awkward and unsure of herself. Kylo looked her up and down, suddenly seeming to take in her appearance.

“Big date?” he asked, and she raised her chin to him, her eyes meeting his finally.

“Yes, actually. I told him I might be late, or might not make it at all… he’s probably just gone home” she let out a lame laugh, excruciating aware of Kylo perusing her face almost leisurely.

“I doubt it. I wouldn’t. I’d wait all night, just in case” he said, and she was shocked at his intimate words, at the way he went seamlessly from fearless leader to vulnerable, guilt stricken general to the man who was looking at her with serious intent, his brutally honest words were absurdly attractive.

He took a tentative step forward, his eyes trained on her like a wolf on a lamb, and she willed her pounding heart to still. What was wrong with her, she scolded herself. He was sexy and dangerous, and it was doing things to her she hadn’t felt before, and didn’t understand. That was all, the excitement of the forbidden. She took a deliberate step back, folding her arms over her chest. His expression closed and he looked back his man, now snoring fitfully on the couch.

“The bathroom’s down the hall, if you want to freshen up” he said before turning on his heel and leaving the small office.

She went to the bathroom and locked the door behind her, staring at herself in the mirror. Her hair had was tousled and her eyes were huge. Her cheeks stained a peachy pink colour, and her dress, thankfully not dirty, had unwrapped itself a little, making it lower in the v of the wrap than it should be, in fact the smallest hint of petal pink lace of her bra was peeking out the space. She looked at it mortified, untying it and rewrapping it around her tightly, yanking the neckline into place.

A little while later, she left the bathroom, calm and resolved, the impact of what she had done sinking in. She made her way to the bar, seeing it was quiet, Finn was restocking the bottles. Kylo sat at a booth near the back, his eyes on her as soon as she stepped out the bathroom.

She approached him, standing before him, as he made no move to stand, and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Look, I’m grateful for the discount, and I’m happy I helped that man, but this is it. I can’t get pulled into this world. I have worked really hard to stay away from this kind of thing and-“ she trailed off, feeling his eyes like brand on her.

“And?”

“Men like you” she finished.

“You’re dangerous to someone like me” she admitted, and he sat forward, captured by her words. He narrowed his eyes at her.

“Why is that?” he asked. She dropped his hot gaze after a long while.

“Because, this world, this side of everything… this darkness…has always been waiting for me, and every day that I don’t fulfil my destiny as the kid of junkies and then, the orphan abandoned to the system, I’m proud of myself.” She finished, and tried to see if he understood.

“Do you understand?” she asked after he failed to speak.

“What’s to understand? I tempt you to do bad things, and it scares you… so you figure it’s better not to be around me. Right?” he asked, and her shocked eyes flew to his, horrified to see he was only half joking, his teasing tone belied by his hard expression. He looked almost angry at her.

“Whatever. Don’t call me again. Lose my number, forget my name. Clear enough?” she snapped and turned to go.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” he called as she made it across the floor, the cool floor meeting her bare feet with a slap. She glanced back and saw him dangling her shoes by the strap. She stomped back over, her face a tightly controlled mask, as she grabbed her shoes out his hand and bent down to put them on. She refused to look at his expression. If she was going to be gawked at as she stomped out, she was going to do it in heels. And she did.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

_Bang bang, he shot me down  
Bang bang, I hit the ground_

Late summer eventually gave way to Autumn and she got promoted at work, clocking in more hours than ever before, but her money to buy Finn’s freedom was ready, or she thought it was. She hadn’t seen much of her foster brother in the last few months, and though it pained her, she was trying to make her life as full as possible. Getting out her comfort zone. She had gone on more dates with Poe, and liked him immensely. He didn’t make her burn, but then he didn’t scorch her either. They hadn’t slept together yet, and he wasn’t pushing, just another reason she liked him so much.

Sometimes she was as comfortable with him as she was with Finn, though she didn’t bring up her past with him. He'd had a comfortable upbringing, a great education and she didn’t want him to know the desperate loneliness that still haunted her, a product of her childhood abandonment.

She tried hard not to think about Kylo Ren and his misfit family of fellow, desperate men. He was like Peter Pan, ruling over his lost boys, only these boys were truly lost, lost in worlds of crime and violence. She didn’t know why this someone had captured her interest so much, in such a short time, barely three meetings, and yet he lived in her mind as through he had carved a little place there for himself.

She was getting better at banishing him from her mind, she hardly ever thought about him, though, surely realising that wasn’t the best thing, when one day, Finn came racing home from work, and broke in half the fragile, peaceful shell of a life she was constantly constructing.

He burst in the door, a blur of black shirt and pants, racing toward her.

“Finn!! What’s wrong” he grabbed a bottle of water out the fridge and gulped several long mouthfuls down, trying to catch his breath. It was late, about midnight, and Rey had been about to go to sleep, just home from a shift, and deciding between cereal or toast for dinner.

Finn wheezed twice and collapsed on a chair in the kitchen, his broad chest moving quickly with effort. She perched on the arm and waited.

“Oh my god, shit went down at First Order tonight. Man!” he said, shaking his head, his eyes still a little wild.

“What went down? The suspense is killing me” she joked.

“Two guys came in, and they were standing in the doorway, seemed normal I guess. They came in and one came over to the bar, asked if I knew how to make an Irish car bomb” Finn was saying, and Rey wrinkled her nose in distaste at the name.

“Gross. Continue”

“I made him one, and he downed it right there, but he seemed antsy, looking around for his friend. Then, there’s gunshots, like, actual gunshots, and the guy is running to the door, and everyone is screaming and crying and running for the door too”

“Well?? What happened? Who got shot?” Finn drank the rest of his water, half collapsed now his story had come out, and scrubbed a hand over his face.

“I don’t even really know, it was totally mad in there, everyone was running for cover and I just – left, I didn’t know what else to do. The men, they were going mental, when they saw Kylo – they lost it”

“Saw Kylo what?” Rey asked, a sick feeling growing in her stomach as she asked the question she feared she already knew the answer to.

“When they saw him get shot. When they saw him go down, there was blood everywhere, man” Finn babbled on.  

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The Uber drew up in front of a huge old building, and she had to check the address twice. She got out the cab, and walked slowly up the grand stairs and toward the buzzer bank. It had been converted into flats, she supposed as she looked again at the address in her hand.

Hesitantly, she reached up and pressed the buzzer for number 6.

This was ridiculous, she told herself. He was shot, he’d go to the hospital, he wouldn’t risk actually dying. This was a wasted trip, she told herself firmly. Suddenly, just when she had managed to convince herself, and was about to turn away, oddly grateful and disappointed at once, the buzzer crackled to life. No one spoke, but she could hear that the channel was open.

“Erm… this is Rey… the nurse. Finn’s sister” she said haltingly. After a moment, the chime sounded, and the heavy Victorian looking door to the impressive entry way swung open. She stared at it, before stepping inside and pulling it shut behind her. She walked through the ornate lobby, taking in the original features of the beautiful building, before finding an elevator, decorated to look old, but efficient and modern.

She got in and pressed the button for 6. They were labelled with apartment numbers, only 6 in all. The lift flew upwards and Rey shifted her med kit in her hand, more stocked than usual. She had put extra things in there, things she usually only pilfered away from the hospital in the unlikely event that she or Finn would need aid and be unable to go to the hospital.

The lift stopped, and the door slid open, revealing a long hall, with dark wooden floor boards and high, cream walls, light softly by ornate sconces.

She walked down the hall toward the door at the end, a rigid black against the pale walls, and stopped just outside. She waited. Nothing happened. She raised her hand to the bell and rang it. Again nothing happened.

“Kylo? It’s me, Rey” she called through the door, feeling like an idiot. Maybe he was never shot, and Finn had made a mistake. Maybe he had been sleeping and now she was going to show up at 2 in the morning and wake him. Maybe he wasn’t alone. That thought was enough to make her take a few steps away from the door, when it clicked open. She stared at it, but it didn’t open further. She pushed it a little, and it bounced back, as though caught on something.

She pushed harder and heard a groan. Wedging herself in the crack of the door, she began to push it gradually back, realising now it was shifting a body weight behind it. She managed to manouver herself in, and saw what she had feared, Kylo slumped against the door, nearly unconscious.

“Kylo?? Can you hear me?” she asked, bending to look in his eyes, which were blurred and unfocused.

“Rey?” he murmured, as she shifted him forward and attempted lift him, quickly realising that wasn’t happening.

“I didn’t forget your name after all” he murmured, and Rey decided just to drag him. The polished wooden floor was on her side as she pulled him toward what she hoped was the bathroom.

Stepping inside she turned on the lights, and looked properly down at the man prostrate on the floor. He was wearing all black, as usual, though she could see that his leg was wet. Her hands went to his belt, and she quickly undid it, and tried to pull his jeans down. He hissed as she accidently brushed the wet leg, and his eyes snapped open, lucid it seemed.

“Rey? What are you doing here?”

“You need to go to the hospital. You’ve been shot” she said. He shook his head, same as always.

“No”

“Well, somehow knew you were going to say that, so that’s why I’m here” she said, standing over him.

“Take your jeans off” she commanded, as he looked warily up at her.

“You’re too heavy for me to do it – so you do it”

“Your bedside manner leaves something to be desired” he snapped, as he shifted carefully on the cold, tile floor, wriggling out his jeans, colouring the air with curses as he pulled the hard material down over his thigh, revealing the bullet wound.

“Be quiet, it’s just a flesh wound” she said, crouching down to get a better look. She prodded it a little, and he bit down a gasp, glaring at her as she stood again and went to her med kit, bringing it with her, stripping off her sweater and leaving on a cami top, while tying her hair back atop her head. She rifled through the kit coming up with a bottle of alcohol solution first

“That better be to drink” Kylo muttered.

“No such luck” she replied, pulling a long pair of steel tweezers out the bag, and he dropped his head with a thunk to the floor.

“I have to get the bullet out, and I have to irrigate the wound, and disinfect it, to prevent infection. Ok?” she asked calmly, pulling a pair of gloves out the bag and snapping them on.

“Kylo, ok? I need you to stay awake, if you can, so I know you’re ok”

“I can pretty safely say I’m far from ok” he said through gritted teeth. She picked up the alcohol and squirted it over the tweezers and then hesitated over his leg.

“Here we go, tough guy” she said, and squirted it into the wound. He clenched his jaw, hard, she could see the muscles straining, but otherwise made no sound. She then started to look for the bullet. She was sweating, she could feel droplets of sweat gathering on her brow, threatening her vision, running down her cheeks. There was a big difference between the work she did in a cold and clinical professional environment, surrounded by second opinions and collegues to support her and doctors to defer to. Now, here in a close bathroom, on uncomfortable tiles, inches away from Kylo, she felt pressed into a hot and faint point. The tweezers sorted through his shredded flesh, hunting. She couldn’t find it, and she could feel herself getting desperate, sure she didn’t have long until Kylo couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Rey” her name sounded raw on his lips.

“Rey” he said again, urgently and she looked up to find him staring at her, his dark eyes wild and laboured with pain.

“It’s ok, I’m ok. I’m not dying here, just… relax. Deep breaths” he said, and she suddenly realised her hand was shaking, and there were tears on her cheeks, not sweat after all. Her nose dripped and she grabbed a tissue, blowing her nose noisily into it, and clearing the stinging, salty tears from her eyes, before sanitising her hands with the alcohol and taking a long, deliberate pause, breathing deeply as Kylo suggested. He was still watching her, a little of his usual humour returning to his face as he did.

“Good girl, now, do what you have to do, nurse, and I’ll try and be a man about it” he said, lowering his head to the floor.

It took 3 more tries and about 40 more minutes, and when Rey checked on Kylo, she found that he had finally passed out. She dressed the wound, small really, all in all, and thought how lucky he was it hadn’t touched anything vital or a bone. She put in a couple of sutures and bound it in a clean bandage, and then collapsed back against the roll top bath behind her, letting her neck and shoulders finally release. It was late, so late she could barely keep her eyes open, the strain of concentration, as well as the mad rush here, after visiting the club and demanding Kylo’s address. She had been shocked she’d been given it at all, but when she hoisted her medical bag and told them that he could die with an untreated gunshot wound, it had been the bouncer, a man with the unfortunate nickname of Chewie, had taken her aside and given it to her.

She pulled the space blanket from the bag, vaguely remembering the last time she’d used it, nearly a year ago, and shuffled down, trapping herself between Kylo and the bathtub, and pulled the crinkly, silver blanket over them, before succumbing to her exhaustion.

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

_Bang bang, that awful sound  
Bang bang, my baby shot me down_

 

Rey woke to the feeling of fingers, gently carding through her hair, not enough to wake her, infinitely gentle. She felt his chest beneath her head, and saw that in her sleep she had wiggled around to face him, and now her head was tucked into the nook of his shoulder, his chest expanding solidly under her. Her legs were thankfully nowhere near his. As she become more and more aware, his hand drifted away from her hair, and wrapped around her waist, joining the other one, already there, and squeezed her into him for a moment.

“Morning” he rumbled and she carefully pushed herself up, a little unsettled at the intimacy of his movements. She looked down at him, and was relieved to find he looked much the same, maybe paler, if possible, but otherwise, ok enough, no fever, not yet anyway.

“Morning. How are you feeling?” she asked, reaching a hand to his forehead, finding it cool to the touch. He watched her raptly, and she became aware of how close his mouth was to hers, and pulled herself up more.

“Like I got shot, and then someone dug around in my leg for an hour and doused me with disinfectant” he grumbled, his fingers relinquishing their hold on her waist as she wriggling up, using the bath to hold onto.

“Sounds about right” she said as she stretched her arms over her head and tried to get the blood flowing again. She caught his eyes on the band of stomach that had appeared as her arms were over her head, and instantly dropped them, wrapping them around her waist.

“Breakfast? I can make you something before I go. You should rest and keep your strength up” she said, stepping over him to leave the room. She followed the graceful corridor around a couple of bends, finding room after room, but none of them a kitchen. Just when she was starting to suspect that it was the biggest apartment in the world, she came to it. It was old fashioned and beautiful, like the rest of the house, dark grey, black and cream with high corniced ceilings and a wall of windows, looking out over a park. She stared at the view for a moment, before going to the fridge, cleverly concealed in a long cabinet. She pulled out the eggs, and yelled over her shoulder.

“Sunny side up or scrambled?”

“Whichever you prefer” he said, spooking her, suddenly entering the room behind her, limping slowly. She looked at him, and instantly away, taking in that he was still only in tight, black briefs, and a black t-shirt that was clinging to his chest in a completely irreverent way.

“I was going to help you up” she said, taking out a carton of eggs and closing the fridge.

“I managed. I think you’ve seen enough of me prone on the floor” he grunted, and she wondered if his pride was hurt by being helpless in front of her.

“I don’t know, you were so quiet and helpful… it’s kind of an improvement to be honest” she said, and grinned at his expression.

  
“Rey- not that I am not grateful, but why are you here?” he asked suddenly, as she turned to get juice out the fridge. She poured them both tall glasses of orange, as he lowered himself carefully onto a bar stool, and thankfully, the lower half of his body disappeared.

“I thought all of this wasn’t your problem, and you didn’t want to get involved. Why are you helping me?”

“I’m a nurse… that’s what I do. Help people”

“Even me?” he asked, and sipping his juice, and watching her measure out painkillers for him to take.

“People are people” she said non-committedly, as he washed down the paracetamol.

“What's the prognosis?”

  
“You’ll live, but it’s a mess”

“You should see the the other guy” he muttered, looking toward the window and pushing his hair back from his forehead.

“What does that mean?” she asked, pausing her egg cracking to look hard at him.

“It means, at least I’m alive” Rey heard blood pounding in her ears as his gaze locked into hers. She was standing along in an apartment with a man who had just confessed to killing someone the night before.

“You killed someone?” she breathed, that pounding more of a roaring and she wondered if it was a fear response that was making it hard to breath.

“I’ve killed a lot of people” he said honestly, and Rey staggered away from the counter, standing in the middle of the kitchen space, her hands clenched into fists so hard she could feel her short nails breaking skin.

“How can you say that so callously?”

“Maybe because I’m trying to distract myself from everything that happened last night, and everything that is going to happen because of it. Maybe because you are standing there, covered in my blood, after coming here last night, of your own volition and I want to take you to my bedroom and keep you there for a week – but you’re looking at me like I’m a monster. And I am, a monster.” He stood up suddenly, and she barely had time to wonder if his leg was hurting before he was standing in front of her, still so tall and broad, making her feel small.

“Are you regretting saving me?” he asked, studying her face. She shook her head slowly.

“Then, what is it… You want to say something, don’t back down now… that’s not you” he pressed, stepping forward, his hand brushing her bare shoulder.

“Don’t be afraid of me, Rey. I’d never hurt you” he said, and she believed him, for some reason.

‘How could you-“ she trailed off.

“How could I what? Say it-“ he goaded

”How could you just… kill someone?”

“When you find yourself staring your own death in the eye, you might be surprised by what you can do”

“But he was a person, a person with a family. Maybe even children, a wife… a life and people who depended on him." In her mind, she was a helpless child waiting for parents who never came home, and she caught a sob as it tried to shudder out, just making her voice break plaintively on the last word. His hard eyes soften in the face of her words.

“People like me, people in my world have to make a choice. We are all guilty, we are all responsible for our actions. If he chose to have a family, knowing that he was living a life where death could catch him at any moment, his family is not my responsibility” Rey turned away from him and his soft, sad words. She felt a hot tear streak from her eye, followed by another, and another. She couldn’t seem to stop crying around his man. Whenever she was with him, the trauma of the accompanying situation always left her feeling like an open wound.

“Why are you crying?” Kylo asked, as Rey stepped away from him, closing in on herself, and he followed, his limp more pronounced up close.

“Tell me” he said, getting close enough to catch a tear as it makes to drop off the end of her nose.

“For Finn, because he’s becoming a part of that world, and I’m the one he’ll leave behind, and he’s all I have. Everyone, my whole life has left me” she said, as the tears continued to fall.

“And for you. For whatever happened to you to make this person” she finished, seeing him stiffen in surprise at her words.

“Rey, don’t waste your tears on me. I’ve accepted what I am, and everything I’ve done” he murmured, pushing that wayward tendril of hair back as it swung forward and threated to stick to her tear stained cheek.

“How can you?”

“How can I not? To be the man I am, and do the things I do, I must accept it, or live every day in torment” he said plainly, though it sounded more like he was confessing than confiding. Her tears have dried, and yet his fingers were still caressing her cheek. She looked up at him through lashes luminous with tears, like dew drops on spider webs.

“You’re a strong woman, you live a life you’re proud of, and you try so very hard to be the person you want to be. You’re fearless, Rey, I admire that.” He was saying softly, and all the heady emotion was making her feel tired again and his skin on hers felt incredibly good. What was this sudden, intimate bond, she wondered, with this stranger who she had shared extreme encounters with, forging between them a wholly new and terrifying connection. 

“You’re a compassionate person, a truly good person. It’s rare.”

“It’s not. Most people are good people”

“You couldn’t be more wrong” he disagreed softly.

“No, you’re the one who’s wrong. You spend so long in darkness, you don’t meet real people-“ she started, and he interrupted her.

“Are you a real person, Rey?” he stared down at her, looking impossibly hopeful and sad at the same time.

“Sometimes I feel like I dreamed you” he reached out a tentative hand to her cheek, stroking back and forth over the push velvet of her skin, and she resisted the urge to close her eyes and lean into that hand.

“I kept thinking about what you said, about how, if you hadn’t changed your life, we might have lived in the same world” he mused, stepping closer and closer still, while Rey found herself unable to move.

“I think it would have made my world, a little brighter, or a whole lot brighter.” He continued, leaning slowly in. He gave her every opportunity to stop him, every chance to pull away, to run. But she didn’t. Her curiosity over this man who had stolen into her thoughts overrode everything else. He brushed his lips over hers, in the barest whisper of a kiss.

“Sometimes, I wish you had never escaped, I wish you would fail, your determination and ambition dry up and wither away. I wish you would be forced back to the darkness between other people’s lives, and then – I could have you.”

“That’s a terrible thing to wish” she breathed, her blood pounding in her head, making it hard to think about anything other than that burning point of contact between them.

“I’m a terrible person” he said with a solemnity that told her how deeply he believed it.  He continued to almost kiss her, and she felt a trembling down to her toes of the anticipation he was building in her.

“Other times, I realise, to wish that would be to wish you were a different person, and then, I know… even if you are never destined to be mine, I would rather you stay you, than have you by my side.”

“So maybe you’re not that terrible after all” she replied, and took a measured step back, the sudden lack of his warmth almost a physical discomfort, and his eyes clouded with a bittersweet disappointment.

“I have to go” she said at length, willing her heart to calm. She had been curious, and now that curiosity was sated. Any more was dangerous. They lived in different worlds, and even if she could understand more than most how something in his upbringing had shaped him into the man he was, the truth remained, now he was his own man, and he was a criminal and a killer. She had allowed herself to indulge in this moment, and now, it was done.

“Take care of yourself, Rey. Go live that good life” _live it for both of us –_ hung unsaid in the silence between them.

“See you around, Kylo Ren” she said, as she made for the door, taking a stack of clean bandages and antiseptic out her bag, and leaving it on the console table in the hall. She opened the door, and stepped out.

“Rey?” he suddenly called behind her, and she glanced back, at the lonely man, prince of the underworld, locked in his castle alone.

“My name is Ben.” He said simply and she tried to reconcile this ordinary name with the extraordinary man she had come to know a little.

“Goodbye, Ben” she said slowly.

“Goodbye, sweetheart”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for the warm reception for this little ficlet (is that a thing?) 
> 
> Anyway, have adjusted the chapter count, because I don't think it's quite finished yet... but it will still be a short one, also, look out for an update to Cure for Loneliness today too. Happy Easter Monday!

 

_Seasons came and changed the time  
When I grew up, I called him mine_

 

 

It should have easy to forget about him.

For days after she’d left him, standing in the darkened hallway, staring wistfully at her, her lips burned. She ignored it the first day, irritated with herself that her mind would keep drifting to that place, where he was brushing back her hair with a fingertip, his hands warm on her shoulders.

The next day, she began to hate the memory, for it was distracting and it couldn’t happen again, so how dare the mere ghost of his touch be more exciting than Poe kissing her thoroughly for the better part of an hour on his couch, after a home cooked meal.

There was something wrong with her, she thought sourly, as she stood in the shower the next morning, her hand drifting down her body, her mind instantly returning to that morning, the itch with his name having magnified ten-fold. Now, however, that itch wasn’t called Kylo Ren anymore, the thrilling and seductive bad boy. It was called Ben, the desire for the vulnerable and private side of a dangerous man, who treats you, and only you, like something rare and precious. 

She turned off the shower with a snap and squeezed her hair out. Everything was frustrating her. The hot water of the shower overheating her, the feel of the water on her skin, torture. He was only making it worse, despite not being in her life anymore.

 

Finn had returned home the previous day early, and thrown himself on the couch, a huge grin splitting his face in two. When she’d gotten home from her lacklustre date, she had hardly been in the mood to hear more about First Order, but had dutifully sat down to listen as Finn practically glowed with excitement.

“So, I go into work, and I see there are extra tenders on, which is weird, but anyway, I get started setting up, when Chewie comes over, says Ren wants to speak to me”

“Hm” Rey mumbled non-committedly.

“So, I go to the office, and there he is, sitting behind his desk, and he has an envelope with my name on it”

“He gets me to sit down, asks how I’m doing, like, old school gentleman stuff. Asks me about you”

“About me?” Rey asked, suddenly aware of her hands in her lap, and Finn watching her cheeks slowly reddening.

“Yeah, about you… if you were ok, if we’d see you at First Order that night, just being polite I guess”

“What did you tell him?” she asked lightly.

“The truth, you were great and you were out on a date with your boyfriend”

“Right” Rey said, swallowing dryly, and gestured for Finn to go on, ignoring the dropping feeling in her chest.

“Anyway, he slides this envelope across the table, and says it’s my wages for the last year. The amount that had been deducted for the whole… Pink incident. He tells me that the debt has been paid in full and then some, and that’s why he’s returning the surplus. Then, he tells me that I’m fired, and he doesn’t want to see me around the crew or at First Order again. Told me this wasn’t the life for me, man, it was weird.”

Rey stared at Finn, relief and happiness crashing through her, even as it was bittersweet. Finn was free, and she would never have a reason to see Kylo Ren again. Finn raised his eyebrows at her.

“It was crazy! Man, I’m gonna miss the crew, but that whole situation was so dumb. That’s it for me” he sat back, and looked shyly at Rey, who was grinning at him now.

“I was thinking, I don’t know, if we can make it work, but maybe community college or something, learn, like a real skill… I have a buddy who did sanitation stuff, like plumbing. He has his own business and sets his own hours… makes a good living” Finn bit off as Rey launched herself into his arms.

“Is that a yes?” he asked with a laugh.

“It’s hell yes. We’ll make it work” Rey laughed, and wriggled back, feeling overwhelmed with pride for her foster brother. He had been tempted down the same dark path as so many kids from her old neighbourhood, with the promise of easy money and brotherhood. But, he had come out the other side, and it was a weight off her shoulders.

“It’s funny, it was actually Ren that made me think about it. He gave me the money and said, do something with this, become something with it. It was weird, and then, when I was leaving, he said, _go live that good life, Finn._ And I’m going to, I want to”

“I want you to, as well” Rey had said.

 

She shook her dripping hair out, and blotted it with a towel, before wrapping another around her. She studied her reflection in the mirror a moment, trying to see herself through _his_ eyes. Once again scolding herself for melancholy, she opened the cabinet and pulled out her moisturiser and make up, quickly getting her face ready for work, darkening her fair lashes a little, and brushing some colour on her cheeks.

She snapped the glass door shut and made for her bedroom. As she passed, she spied her mobile on the kitchen table, and her mind went back to the internal debate it had been entertaining since the previous evening.

In her room, she quickly pulled on her underwear and a light weight robe on top, picking up the hairdryer, she sat a moment and thought of her phone. Should she text him, and say thank you? Had he done it for her? He hadn’t said anything about the debt when she’d been leaving, and she was ashamed to realise she hadn’t even thought of it herself. Was patching him up, when no one else cared, enough to wipe out what must have been a huge amount, given the ridiculous interest. And that wasn’t to mention the generous amount of money he’d given Finn for his fresh start.

Deciding that one, innocent, little, thank you message wouldn’t hurt anyone, she went to get her phone. The kitchen tiles were cold against her bare feet as she padded over and looked for her phone on the table.

 

It wasn’t there.

 

She stared at the space she’d seen it, nonplussed.

“Finn?” she called, wondering if he’d come home already, without telling her.

 

There was no response, and suddenly in the quiet of the apartment, as she waited to hear the noise of her brother, her skin started to prickle with the uncomfortable sensation of not being alone. It wasn’t the silence of someone too busy to answer, it was the silence of someone trying not to be heard, and it set off a fight or flight response in Rey. Years of youth homes and less than noble foster fathers had developed in her a strong and immediate instinct to danger, and so, when that prickling sensation slid up her back, and her gut told her to run, she ran.

 

Suddenly breaking from the table, she dashed around it, and pulled a chair out behind her, hearing a grunt, as somebody tripped on it, only a metre behind her. Her heart threatened to burst out her mouth as she made it to the front door and tried to open it, only to find the chain on. She could hear the person getting up, but couldn’t spar time to look back and see them, instead focusing her fingers, trembling with adrenaline, to slip the chain off, and threw open the door.

She would run down the hall and bang on every door as she went, screaming the whole while, she thought determinedly, as she stepped out into the hall.

 

Her momentum was too great to stop, even as her brain registered the man standing there, dressed in black, his red hair parted neatly, his pale blue eyes cruel as they surveyed her, dripping hair, underwear, wild eyed and flushed. He stepped neatly back as she barrelled toward him, simply sticking out a booted foot, sending her sprawling down the hall. Her face met the cracked, ancient tiles with a shudder, and she gasped as she tasted blood in her mouth.

“Rey, I presume. Most excellent. Phasma, do help her up, and be careful not to injure her overly so, we don’t want to push Ren over the edge, at least, not yet” the man’s loathsome voice was full of confidence. Rey watched as a woman, tall and impressively built, came out her apartment, and headed over to her, while the red-haired man watched. The woman, Phasma, he had called her, knelt beside Rey, and cupped her head, checking it for injuries, her other hand pulling something from her pocket.

“Help me” Rey whispered to the woman, wishing fervently for some kind of supreme, universal bond between females to overcome whatever it was these people were here to do.

“Just hold still, it’ll hurt less” said the blonde woman, her eyes on her tasks, avoiding Rey’s desperate gaze. She felt a sharp sting, and realised what she had done, as a soft, sinking feeling flowed through her from her arm.

“Here” The red-haired man barked, throwing a blanket to Phasma, as Rey felt the world slip away.

 .

.

.

.

.

.

 

 

Kylo Ren was a hard man.  

 

His upbringing, crushed between a doctor mother, and a scoundrel father, and everything in between had prepared him for the world he lived in. The long and lonely years that followed, had stripped away any dream that he might have harboured that he could be anyone different, as his hands became dirtier and dirtier and he stopped recognising the man in the mirror.

His father had been a low position smuggler, never doing it for the money, just the thrill, while his sanctimonious mother had looked the other way, never able to admit, even to herself, what her husband did. Maybe she had judged it a harmless thrill for an aging man whose wife supported him, a necessary diversion from the son that he couldn’t understand, and seemed unable to stop resenting and competing with.

And it had been harmless, for the most part, except that it brought a young and impressionable young man, into contact with the other father figure who would shape him. Snoke saw potential in the angry, lonely teen and filled the longing Ben Solo had had for a person to care, to be there with him, to _see_ him.

Ben Solo, he had barely thought of that name in years, moving further and further away from that person.

Until Rey.

Until she had looked up at him and _seen_ him. And when she had, the urge to be more than a dark caricature, more than the deadly, soulless alter ego of Kylo Ren, had been a pressing and urgent need. He had wanted her to see him completely, the real him. The him that he had tried to hide but could never quite forget.

_“My name is Ben”_ the memory of her eyes on him, taking in his real name, and the small smile that blossomed in the wake of his confidence. It haunted him.

Meeting Rey had started something in him, building over the months. It had made him realise just how very tired he was of his life, tired of existence really and made him face a shocking and fundamental fact.

He wanted out.

Getting out wasn’t easy, in fact, it might prove to be impossible, but he had to try. Snoke, always knowing his mind better than he did his own, it seemed had called him in to talk about his lack of enthusiasm for the job of late, and he had confessed.

“I can’t say I’m not disappointed, my young protégé. You had the makings of being a great man, revered and feared, your name already strikes that very emotion into every other family of consequence, and your reputation would only grow, as you became my successor.”

“I appreciate all the opportunities you’ve given me, all you’ve taught me. I just feel ready for something new. My heart isn’t in it anymore.”

“You could be considered a threat… with all you know, out there in the world” Snoke murmured, his eyes on the man he had groomed and moulded since he was a teenager.

“I would never betray you, you are like a father to me”

“And we all know how much you value that relationship” Snoke snorted, and Kylo looked away, unable to meet his stare, unable as always, to think of Han Solo without feeling the accompanying urge to vomit.

“More than a father then, you raised me from nothing and made me a man. I owe you everything” the words felt hollow in his mouth, and yet, he knew it was what Snoke wanted to hear. Nothing but utter worship and compliance would satisfy him. Snoke observed him a long moment, and Kylo had to remind himself to breath.

“Very well, my son. I have heeded your words, and I will think them over. In the meantime, business as usual” Kylo had nodded and withdrawn, unsure if he was making a mistake, telling Snoke his wishes, but knowing that there was no other way. Snoke’s talons were embedding in every aspect of his life, and further, in every part of his world. There was no way to slip away quietly. Snoke would find him, and he would be dead. And now, for the first time in years, he found that prospect disagreeable.

However, with the attempt on his life, it seemed that his mentor had decided that dead would be preferable to outside the fold. He was hardly even surprised. Of course, he wouldn’t be allowed to leave, of course, if he ceased to be of use to Snoke, he would want him gone. Of course, he wasn’t a son to the terrifying man who had pushed him to cut ties with his family, so long ago. To hope for anymore had been a foolish dream, and he had thought himself past that. And so, he had begun to consider different options, ones that were almost completely foreign to him. He was meditating on these very plans, when the call came through to his cell, Hux’s number flashing. He knew he had to answer it, not to do so was treading on dangerous ground.

“I’m sending a car to pick you up. Snoke requests your presence, immediately” he hung up, and went to get his leather jacket, slipping it on, and checking his pockets for weapons. He took them all out, knowing he wouldn’t be allowed in Snoke’s presence with them. That was something that had changed since he had gone from most trusted to son, to deserter.

The car pulled up and he got in, hating how vulnerable he was. Snoke might just kill him in person this time, or maybe just have the driver do it, take him into a secluded spot and end it. The interior of the car was dark and he slide onto the leather seat. Something brushed his hand, and he looked down, to see a cell phone, sitting conspicuously on the seat beside him. Apparently Hux didn’t trust Kylo’s phone anymore, which meant maybe they even suspected him of working with the police.

He picked up the phone, and turned it over in his hand. It was an older model than Hux usually used, and it had a small crack on the screen. The case was strange too, covered in polka dots. He turned it on, and saw the picture on the lock screen, two people eating ice cream, and laughing and then he knew.

 

He knew he wasn’t going anywhere. He wasn’t getting out. Ever.

 

He felt his own phone vibrate and pulled it out to read a message from Hux.

 

_Just so we understand each other_


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

_He would always laugh and say_

_  
"Remember when we used to play?"_

 

 

 

“I see the pretence at civility is at an end” Kylo said, his tightly controlled voice hard and loud in the small space of the elevator, as he finally reached Snoke’s building and met Hux, waiting for him.

“I’m sure she’s survived worse” Hux observed with a knowing that curdled Kylo’s blood

“You don’t know her”

“Don’t I? Haven’t we seen many a girl just like her pass through… parentless, unwanted, discarded… grew up in foster care with many an inappropriate foster father in her past. Trying to eke out a meagre wage, living day to day, hand to mouth. Ripe fruit for the picking…”

“You’ll stop now, if you know what’s good for you” Kylo said darkly, and watched an excited gleam shine in Hux’s eye.

“Now, now, Ren, no need to get quite so possessive. Snoke is going to let you keep her, there’s a silver lining after.”  They stopped in front of a heavily secured door, and Kylo bit down his frustration as Snoke’s personal guard came forward to pat him down. Hux watched in amusement.

At length, he gestured them onward, and Kylo fought the urge to hurry, to see if Rey was locked in a room with his leader, the mere thought turning his stomach.

“Enter” Snoke called through the reinforced door, and it was pulled slowly back. Snoke’s inner sanctum was a study of red walls and black leather, meant to intimidate and put people on edge. Kylo was already on edge, and a quick glance around the room failed to reveal the woman he had come for. _Where is she??_ He swallowed the question. Snoke would tell him in his own time, and pressing the matter would only reveal his weakness.

“Ah, Kylo Ren. You have answered my summons quickly, with all your old haste. I wonder what can have spurred you to be so biddable?” Snoke said, his beady eyes full of gloating.

“I am, as always, at your disposal” he said shortly, indicating his head to the appropriate angle, while keeping his murderous stare lowered. Snoke studied him in silence a little longer, before nodding.

“Quite. I have a job that I require aid with. A demonstration of power is required. Those upstarts who presume to expose me, and you too, our entire operation, have been allowed to grow too confident. I want you to see to crushing their resistance with a display of savagery and blood that even they can understand.” Kylo nodded curtly, his heart falling at the words, though he kept his face impassive.

“There will be opportunity, they think to interrupt a shipment coming in this week, you will be there, and make sure that they see the folly of their ways, and find out what you can of their plans before you make an example of them” Snoke said, leaning forward, he gave Kylo a long, sweeping look.

“My enforcer, my watchdog, I require you to use your imagination, and skill, for no one is quite as skilled as you at extracting information” Kylo nodded again, and wanted, with all appearance of patience. At length, Snoke spoke again.

“That is all… you may leave and go about your business. I’ll see you again, when it is complete” Snoke said, amusement in his tone. Kylo stayed where he was, seeing the power play for what it was. Snoke was forcing him to ask for Rey, beg for information.

“Was there something else?” Snoke asked, apparently too eager to wait for Kylo to get the words out, as he tried to keep his expression meek.

“The girl” he said simply, his eyes finally flickering to his leader, and saw a predatory smile spread over the old man’s face, pulling a particularly nasty scar into a shiny, gruesome pucker.

“Ah, yes. The girl” Snoke said calmly.

“I was surprised to hear that the great, untouchable Kylo Ren had formed an attachment, after so long. I suppose even the mighty must fall, and she is lovely, you have exquisite taste” he said, lingering on the last words.

“She is a nurse. She merely aided me with a gunshot wound, instead of going to the hospital”

“Is that really so? Oh my, it seems I have made a mistake then, well, no matter, she is easily disposed of, and my mistake rectified.” Snoke said, and Kylo clenched his fists. He waited in silence as Snoke considered him.

“Do you think you can fool me? I know your mind… I know your every thought. You care for her – and if you do not beg for her life now, you will never see her again” Snoke said, his voice rising to crescendo at the end.

“Beg!!” Snoke bellowed again, and Kylo ground his teeth, sinking to his knees. He waited there on the floor, his head forward, bent until it almost touched the floor.

“I can’t hear you” Snoke snarled.

“Don’t kill her. Please” he managed. He waited in a long, cold silence, and finally felt a tap on his shoulder.

“Very well, I’ll give her to you to manage, since you seem to care about her so very much”

Snoke said magnanimously, his voice tinged with satisfaction and venom.

Kylo stood, ignoring Hux’s gloating presence at his side. His mentor sat before him, smiling, as he knew he would be.

“It’s quite a weakness, Kylo Ren, to have something precious walking around unguarded, unprotected. She could be used against you”

“She won’t be. I’ll protect her”

“Yes, I suppose you will have to… now” Snoke said maliciously, before flicking his wrist, dismissing him.

“Go, take the girl. Do your job” he said, and turned away.

 

* * *

 

 

 

The world seemed to swim slowly back into focus for Rey. Her head ached a little, her limbs were heavy, but otherwise, she didn’t register much, except the feeling of soft comfort beneath her.

She opened her eyes, and saw an unfamiliar bedroom. Moving her head off the pillows seemed like too much effort, so she simply lay there a little while longer, until the numb feeling started to pass from her body, her muscles waking up.

“Rey” a voice spoke from the doorway, and she jerked her eyes to see Kylo leaning against the jam, dressed in black, a pensive frown on his face. The man who had haunted her guilty thoughts for months, suddenly made flesh. She swallowed, trying to bring moisture to her parched throat. He moved to her bedside, and picked up a bottle of water there, cracking the seal, held it to her lips. She tried to raise her head, the heaviness pulling it down as her tired muscles struggled. He slipped a hand to cradle the back of her head, and tilted the bottle to her lips. The water felt heavenly in her mouth. Her eyes were fixed on him, trying to figure out what was going on, trying to understand the last few missing hours, since that awful scene in the hallway.

“Where am I?”

“You’re my guest” he said cryptically, his eyes drinking her in.

“It’s ok, you’re safe now. No-one can take you here, I won’t let them” he murmured, reading the expression on her face. For some strange reason, she believed him.

“What happened?” she asked roughly, her voice unused and gruff.

“What always happens when you come into contact with darkness, it sticks to you, turns your life inside out” Kylo muttered, absently reaching out a long, white finger to brush the hair from her forehead.

“What do you remember?”

“People, in my apartment. A man with red hair.” Her words send a muscle ticking in Kylo’s jaw, making him look utterly furious for a long moment, before he looked away.

“Did he hurt you?” he asked lowly. Rey shook her head.

“Besides injecting me with something, a sedative, I guess. No” Kylo’s chest deflated slowly at her words, and he seemed to shrink in on himself like a withered balloon.

“How am I here?”

“I came and got you”

“From where?” Kylo swallowed as he evaded her gaze.

“A bad place” he said simply. She watched him, before asking him the question that was burning between them.

“Why is this happening?” he let out a long sigh and stood, pushing away from the bed, he walked to the window, and looked down at the street, a hand pushing his heavy hair back off his forehead.

“It’s happening because you’re a nice person, whose misguided attempts to help someone, attracted the wrong kind of attention” he said shortly.

“For trying to help you?” she said.

“Yes, me. Someone who you shouldn’t have spared a second thought for in the first place” he muttered, as Rey reared back, confused and upset by his self-loathing tone.

“You can’t mean that, you were hurt-“

“Some people aren’t worth saving, Rey. I’m afraid that now, you’re going to find that out the hard way. What you did… it’s damned us both” he said bleakly.

“I seem to remember you being the one to drag me into all this in the first place” she accused, heat blossoming in her cheeks as she stared at him.

He was so quiet and reticent, so guilty and withdrawn. She hated it, hated him in that moment, for not putting on the cheeky façade that he had always worn around her, that he wore around everyone. It would make it easier to pretend that her world was not falling apart.

“Of course, I did. It’s what I do” he snapped, turning his dark expression on her, his arms crossing over his chest.

“I lie, cheat, and steal. I hurt people like you and your brother. I twist people to bend to my will and I use them all up, until there’s nothing left.” He said, and she realised that the difficult to fathom look in his eyes was sadness, deep and complete.

“And now, you’re stuck with me, until I can fix what’s happened, whether you want to be or not. And I’m sorry, but I can’t let you put yourself in danger to be free of me, even if I can understand it.”

“What do you mean, stuck with you?” she asked, rising onto her elbows, and watching him pace around the bed.

“I mean, it’s not safe to be anywhere but where I am, not just now, and I don’t know how long for” he said, without pleasure.

“Kylo – I don’t understand” Rey said, but the words didn’t seem to penetrate his black mood, and the furious planning she could see going on behind his eyes.

“Ben!” she cried suddenly, and that unfamiliar word stopped him in his tracks, and he look at her.

“Tell me what’s going on” she commanded. His face relaxed into a curious mix of sadness, regret and determination, as he approached the bed, arms crossed and looked down at her.

“You need to let me protect you Rey. You need to stay with me, here, you have to play along, pretend that you want to be here, that you feel the same for me as –“ he trailed off, and then hardened his jaw and continued.

“You need to trust me – and I know it’s a long shot… but I need your trust, if I am to do what I have to, to get us out of this mess” The seriousness of his tone, and the weight of his words, after her abduction made her feel frozen with fear. These people weren’t joking around. They were serious, cold, and professional, and the man before her looked afraid. It scared her more than anything.  

“I know what I have to do” Kylo said, his voice cold and resigned.

“You just need to trust me, until I can do it.” He said, sitting down on the bed beside her, he looked at her, his dark eyes searching her face, his generous mouth downturned, ready for rejection.

“Can you trust me, Rey? Will you trust me?”


	7. Chapter 7

_Bang bang, I shot you down_

  
_Bang bang, you hit the ground_

  
_Bang bang, that awful sound_

  
_Bang bang, I used to shoot you down_

 

 

 

“Why can’t I stay in a hotel?” Rey asked for the second time, as Kylo put her suitcase in the boot of his car, and walked around to the passenger door, holding it open for her.

“Did you hear me?” she gripped, as she stepped in and sat down.

“Yes, it’d be impossible not to, I just didn’t think it was worth responding” he ground out, shutting the door and moving around to the driver’s side.

Moments later, they were pulling into the late afternoon traffic, as Rey stared out the window.

“They need to think we’re together. That you have my protection” he reminded her as she sighed, and dropped her head back against the leather cushion.

“We talked about all of this” he said gently, and bit down a smile as her fiery eyes flew to his

“I know, but doing it feels so much harder than talking about it” she complained, before putting her fingers to her temples and massaging the skin there.

“This whole thing is so exhausting”

“I’m sure that has nothing to do with the double shift you just did.” Kylo said, a little critically, thinking of how tired Rey had been when he had picked her up outside the hospital earlier, practically swaying on her feet, her slender body a reed in the wind.

“You might want to rethink your chosen career, I mean, its inhuman to force –“

“Don’t talk to me about inhumane jobs. When you’re a super villain, you don’t get to cast judgement” she snapped, crossing her arms. He waited to respond until he had bit his initial responses down.

“Fair enough, I can’t argue with that, I just wish you would consider something a little better paid, considering the hours you put in and how good you are-“ he trailed off as he realised Rey’s shoulders had slumped, and her head had lolled around on the headrest. She was asleep.

He turned the radio down low, and the heat up a little, and drove as smoothly as he could. They got to his apartment all too quickly, and he quickly considered if he could move her, or if it’d wake her up too much. Deciding against it, he took out his phone and checked his emails, waiting beside her as she slept. It was quiet and warm, and Rey was right there, beautiful and peaceful. He couldn’t help but steal glances, though it filled him with guilt to do so. She wasn’t his to look at, and he had ruined her life, for the immediate future. Sitting taking advantage of her trust was not fair, he reminded himself, keeping his eyes on his phone.

She worked too hard and she slept too little.

She was seldom selfish and worried about others entirely too much.

Worried about him entirely too much.

If she was tired, he’d wait.

Two hours later, they went upstairs.

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

Rey finished her shift with a long sigh, pulling her clothes out her locker and putting them on, already anticipating the long shower she would take at home.

 

At Ben’s, she corrected herself. She couldn’t get too used to the top of the line bathroom, or almost indecent water pressure. He would fix everything, soon enough, and she’d be able to go back home.

 She went left the building, standing on the pavement only a moment before she saw his car, his lights flashing twice, quickly, to identify himself. She started over, and he was already around her side, opening the door for her before she reached it.

“Evening” he said, his hand going to her lower back, it’s customary place, as he slipped her bag off her shoulder. She got into the car and sank back into the seats. The seat warmer was on, and it sent blissful curls of warmth through her tired body.

“You look tired” he said, with a frown.  

“So complimentary” she murmured, her eyes closed, leaning against the warm leather. This life of being driven around in a nice car, and staying in a fancy apartment was getting too comfortable, she realised suddenly. Having someone waiting for her to come home was becoming too familiar.

“So, any progress?” she asked. She looked over at him, dressed in dark colours, as always, large hands handling the wheel confidently, his dark hair, far too soft and shiny for a man of his profession, falling across his forehead, as he angled a look at her.

“Some. Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering when I can go home, get back to normal” she muttered. She didn’t look at him, but she could feel stillness radiating from him, and maybe a hint of something else, something strange. It felt like hurt.

“I’m sorry it’s so hard on you” he said shortly.

“It’s ok… I know it’s hard on you too. It’s not the ideal situation, for either of us” she said, feeling a little like a liar as she said the words, her guilt at enjoying spending time with Kylo, probably written across her face.

“Like I said… sorry” he muttered.

* * *

 

They finally made it home, in near silence after the conversation in the car. Once inside, after Kylo had done his customary check of the rooms, Rey went to her bedroom, and stripped off her nurses uniform, enjoying the feeling of freedom after hours locked in the form fitting garment. She wrapped a towel around her middle, and left her room, walking almost into Kylo, who was standing just outside her door.

As they collided, he put his hands out to stop her falling, his rough, calloused fingers gripping her upper arms, and his touch felt electric on her skin. She looked up, ignoring the furious blush that was threatening to erupt. He was looking down at her with intensity, his dark eyes fixed on her, his soft mouth slightly parted, as though he was about to speak. They were standing a lot closer than she had thought, she slowly realised, her breasts, held firm inside her towel, lightly pressed against his sternum, being so much taller than her.

Her hair was down, whispering against the tops of her shoulders, and his eyes fixed on it for a moment.

The highly-charged moment was getting to her, she could feel heat rising in her chest, a flush of desire and want, for the enigmatic man standing before her.

A man who could hurt and destroy, and yet, treated her like precious glass. Rey thought then, how difficult it was to escape the bonds of your past. How difficult it was for an abandoned girl, who had become used to being forgotten and left behind, to stop looking for love in all the wrong places.

She couldn’t deny it, there was a very real and fundamental piece of her that cried out for the way Kylo Ren looked at her, like she was unforgettable. Like she mattered. Like she was someone he’d never leave behind. And another part of her luxuriated in the way he took care of her, in his fierce protectiveness. Rey had always looked after herself, and had managed just fine on her own. But, damn if it didn’t feel nice to have the option for once.

“Did you – were you looking for me?” she asked, her voice a little breathless, but she couldn’t bring herself to care as he continued to stare down at her.

“I was” he said quietly, with gravity. She licked her lips, desperate to bring some kind of moisture in place of the dryness Kylo left in the wake of his hot stare.

“What did you want?” she asked.

“I forget” he admitted, his dark head tilting a little to the side. For a terrifying moment, she thought he was going to kiss her, and everything in her shouted in relief. The strength of that reaction shook her, and she stepped back, breaking the spell that seemed to have fallen between them.

“I’m going to shower” she said quickly, and turned on her heel, swiftly making her way to the bathroom, and locking the door behind her. She put the shower on a low heat and got in quickly, grateful for the cold water, cutting through the heat in her cheeks. She leaned her face against the glass and cursed herself.

 

.

.

.

.

.

. 

 

 

“Ben, I’m going out later, you don’t need to take me, or anything. I’m meeting someone” she said offhandedly, stacking dishes into the dishwater.

It was a Saturday afternoon and Rey had just woken up, having just worked a night shift. She was dressed in jogging bottoms and an oversized t-shirt that kept slipping off her shoulder, and for someone reason, he kept finding excuses to linger in the kitchen as she cooked and tidied up her dishes. Her hair was piled on top of her head haphazardly, and her face devoid of make-up.

As he topped her coffee off silently, and she gave him a grateful smile, he found himself strangely contented with the domesticity of the moment. He sipped his second consecutive cup of coffee, and tried his best to drag his eyes from the polished, rounded ball of her shoulder, tan and soft looking. His fingers couldn’t seem to forget how that very skin had felt under them.

“Are you listening?” she demanded, raising an eyebrow at him. He snapped his eyes to hers, narrowing his gaze on her.

“Who is this someone?” he asked immediately. She sighed, folding her legs under her on the chair and looking at her phone. He knew her mannerisms well enough to know by now that she wanted to avoid eye contact.

“Just someone”

“A male someone?”

“Yes. Why?” she challenged, shooting her eyes to his, and he was struck by the fight in those hazel depths. She had anticipated having to fight him on this, and she was ready. He shifted against the counter, folding his arms across his chest.

“Because, it’s not safe, and you know it”

“Please, spare me the not safe stuff. If I’m safe with you, I’m safe with him” she said, and watched him cautiously as he put his cup down and stalked toward her.

“Oh, really?” he said quietly, reaching her chair, and bracing his hands against the arms, boxing her in, as he leant slowly down so their faces were close.

“Is he willing to protect you, at any cost? Does he know what you’re involved in? Is he watching, every second, every day?” he said, and despite her stoic expression, he saw a pulse jump in her neck.

“Because I am Rey. I am always watching. Waiting. I don’t let you out of my sight. And there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to protect you” he said quietly, the words more heartfelt than he had intended. Rey looked at him, a little taken aback by his quiet confession.

“Maybe you’re watching too closely… maybe this is all…. Too much. Maybe we are playing with fire” she said finally, her eyes roaming his face. He wanted to close the distance between them then, and take her mouth, capture her lips for his and brand his hands in a cradle against her jaw, so she wouldn’t forget. Instead, he did nothing.

At length, she pushed the chair back, and he let her go. Standing up, she picked up her phone, coffee cup and levelled him a direct look.

“I appreciate you going out of your way to protect me, especially as you are the reason I am here… but nothing else has changed between us. We shouldn’t forget it” she said, and walked away.

He watched her go, his heart simultaneously falling at her words, and rising. She said _we_ – it cried, like a giddy child. He did his best to ignore it.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey was wearing a red wrap dress, that fell to her knee and covered her chest modestly. Her heels weren’t that high, and her hair was pinned in a loose bun at the nape of her neck. She looked perfectly restrained and elegant. The picture of class and grace, and yet, when she walked out her bedroom, the faint smell of her perfume extending around her, her hazel eyes bright and deep red lips smiling, Kylo thought for a moment, he might never have seen such an erotic sight.

She saw him standing in the doorway of his room, his coat and boots on, and she stopped, her smile faltering a little, as she fiddled with the strap of her bag.

“You’re not going to say anything to him, are you?” she asked, a little nervously, and he hated her hesitant smile. He felt like her father for a moment, left at home as she went out with her boyfriend.

“Course not.” He reassured her, hating the way her shoulders dropped in relief.

“You’re going out too?” she enquired, looking over his outfit. He nodded tersely, reminding himself of the task that lay ahead for him tonight. Snoke’s requested mission, the shipment that Kylo should expect to be interfered with. Find those responsible and get information out of them. It wasn’t worse than he’d had to do before, but for some reason, the thought of doing those dark and terrible deeds and then coming home to a place Rey slept, seemed more abhorrent.  

“Well, be careful” Rey said finally.

“You too” he said, watching her walk to the kitchen, and type away on her phone. The bell rang, and then Rey was opening the door, and he could almost see the guy who’d come. Dark and handsome, he had an easily smile, the kind that had never come easily to Ben. Then they were gone, and it was time to go to work.

Time to pull himself from the little bubble being around Rey created. One where he ate regular meals, and watched tv shows with her sometimes, in the evenings. Where they divided the chores, and he actually didn’t mind washing the dishes if she was waiting to dry them. A place where they took turns choosing take-out places to order from, and the first person up was responsible for bringing the other coffee. The place where he pretended that she was his, and his life was worth living. There was no space in his head for all that light, and life and happiness. He couldn’t do the things he needed to with it in there, making him question, yelling at him to stop.

He reminded himself of who he was, and what he had done.

It helped, to put Rey out his mind, by remembering how much blood stained his hands, and how they’d never be clean enough to touch her.

It steadied him. It defeated him. And in the lonely after, he found strength to do what he had to.

 

* * *

 

 

“Ben?” Rey called, as she listened to him walk through the apartment, his steps more stumbling than usual. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, seeing it was very late by the clock on her bedside. She had stayed out with Poe till midnight, until she’d found that she wasn’t really having a great time. She liked him, he was sweet, but something was missing. She had a terrible suspicioun that it wasn’t just something, but someone. Someone dark and dangerous. And so, when Poe had talked to her about taking their relationship to the next level, her lacklustre response had sparked a fight, which, with Poe being such a nice guy, had lead to a long conversation and a break up. She didn’t know if you could actually break up, without ever really dating, but regardless, whatever they’d had, it was over. And the truth of it, as scary as it was to admit, she was relieved.

She come home, a little drunk and a lot vulnerable, and been disappointed to find Ben was still out. So, she’d eaten her weight in oven pizza and put herself to bed.

Now, pulled from sleep by the sound of stumbling footsteps, her adrenaline spiking at the thought that someone might have come when Ben was out. She lay there in the dark, listening for an indication of the direction that the footsteps might be heading in. She heard them pass by her door, and go for the bathroom.

She pushed herself out of the warm cocoon she had been ensconced in, and followed the sound of running water.

She walked down the white hall toward a door, partially open and spilling light out into the darkness.

She stopped just outside, and caught sight of him, standing at the mirror. He was stripping off his clothes, with ruthless efficiency, and Rey stifled a gasp to see that they were soaked in blood. Saturated. They fell to the floor with a sickening sound, and he turned his impassive face to the mirror, and she saw a fine spray of red against his pale skin, his neck and face, his arms and hands. His body was an ode to strength, muscles strapping across it, pale skin stretched over taut hollows, and the blood, like a Pollock masterpiece.

His eyes met hers in the reflection and he flinched away, caving in on himself, turning from her, one strong hand gripping the marble sink. He looked broken and Rey knew in that moment that people could have injuries that went much deeper than the flesh, they could carry scars on their souls. She pushed the door open a little more.

“Go to bed, Rey” he said coldly, and something in his tone called to her. The part that had to comfort pain and soothe worry. The part of her that cried out to fix broken things.

She ignored him and walked into the bathroom, touching his shoulder.

“Don’t” he said, his tone harsh. She put her hand back on his shoulders and pulled him harder around to face her. He let her this time, though his head was dropped, avoiding her gaze.

“Ben, are you alright?” she asked, and he let out a ragged laugh, full of self-loathing.

“Please, don’t ask me that. Don’t be sweet to me Rey, don’t be kind. I don’t deserve it” he said, stilling as her hands rose to touch his face. His nostrils flared with panic as she pulled his face up, so she could see in his eyes.

“What have you done?” she asked.

“What I had to” he answered bleakly.

“If that’s true, then don’t feel guilty. If you don’t have a choice, you can’t feel guilt for it”

“Don’t rationalise away my sins, Rey. Don’t try and make me a better man. I know who I am. I told you before, I’ve made my peace with it”

It broke her heart a little to see the person she was coming to care about hating himself so thoroughly.

“Then you don’t see what I see” she said, surprising herself with the words. But, even as she said them, she knew they were true. In her short time with Ben, she could imagine him in a completely different life. A good one. One he seemed to have missed out on by misfortunate and circumstance.

“You wouldn’t say that… if you knew the things I think about… about you” he said, a dark confession, finally raising those intense dark eyes to meet hers. She felt all the air leave the room.

“What things?” she managed, her mouth feeling thick and full of cotton.

“Despicable things” he murmured, leaning forward to brush his lips against her forehead.

“Like what?” she breathed, needing to know what was down the rabbit hole.

  
“Like the terrible things I wished would happen to your date, so you would end up coming home to me… how I wish I could be the one taking you to dinner, that you’d wear that dress for me, and I could bring you home, to _our_ room, and take it off you… and you’d cry my name in my ear when I was inside you. Again and again, night after night.” He said into her hair, his breath hot against the side of her neck.

“That all of this wasn’t temporary. That you were part of my world, hell… that you would _be_ my world” he finished, resting his chin against her temple.

“I’m a selfish man to you and a monster to everyone else. Don’t forget it” he said then, and pulled away, turning to the shower and twisting it on.

“Now, go to bed, before I try and convince you to stay” he practically growled, and Rey finally followed his advice, turning and scurrying back to her room, shutting the door safely behind her.


	8. Chapter 8

 

 

_Now he's gone, I don't know why_

  
_And 'till this day, sometimes I cry_

  
_He didn't even say goodbye_

  
_He didn't take the time to lie_

 

 

The next morning, Rey made the coffee, after a sleepless night, trying to ignore the fire that Ben had lit within her. It didn’t work, there was no substitute for him, and she had watched a watery dawn creep up the walls of her room, wondering if he was similarly affected.

“Morning” Kylo said, surprising her, appearing in the doorway. He looked calmer, the violence and darkness of the previous night washed away. His black t-shirt pulled taut across his biceps as he crossed his arms over his chest and smiled at her. She tried her best not to replace the dark fabric with the image she knew lurked underneath. It was an effort.

She sipped her coffee, and nodded her greeting.

He came in, bare feet white against the stripped floor boards, and poured himself a cup. He sank down onto the chair beside her, and turned toward her, propping his feet onto the footrest of her chair. She glanced across at him. He gave a long, intent look, and again, she had to tamp down the flutter it formed in her belly.

 “About last night” He murmured into his coffee up.

“We don’t have to talk about it” she said quickly, and stiffened as he reached out and took her hand in his, lacing his fingers through hers.

“I’m sorry, if I made you uncomfortable” he said quietly. Her heart dropped. Just when she had become such a coward, she didn’t completely know. The things she felt for Ben, Kylo Ren, whatever he wanted to be called, scared her to death. Her self-preservation instincts were telling her to accept his apology, and move on, but her heart. Her stupid, reckless heart couldn’t bear it.

“You didn’t make me feel uncomfortable” she replied, swallowing a lump in her throat. His thumb rubbed slowly across her knuckles, as his head tilted a little, his eyes curious.

“No?” she shook her head. He slowly raised her hand to his mouth, and pressed a soft kiss on her wrist. The feeling of his slight stubble scraping across her skin sent a flush through her entire body.

“What did it make you feel?” he pressed, and Rey felt that blush that had been building steadily every time she saw him, working its way finally onto her face.

“You’re trembling” he remarked, as he brushed another kiss onto the soft, puffy spot between her thumb and forefinger. She fought the urge to close her eyes and lean against him. He was so close, she could feel his body heat, warming her side.

“Don’t be afraid, I feel it too” he murmured, lips moving across her skin. She couldn’t help but turn to him, bringing her other hand up to cup his face, even as he leant forward to close the distance between them.

The last thing she remembered of that quiet, peaceful moment of longing and affection was his eyes. They were open and honest, the eyes of a man who wanted a different life, who wanted to be better, but still, ended up living a nightmare. A man drowning. A man looking for redemption, salvation. A man trying to be better… for her.

 

The door to the apartment flew open, almost blasted off it’s hinges, shaking the wall with the impact, and they sprang apart. Kylo pulled her arm, and threw her to the floor, she felt the coffee cup she had been holding smash to pieces in her hand.

She met the floor with a hard jolt, and she felt Kylo’s hands on her, pushing her ahead of him, shouting at her to move. She crawled over the wreckage of the table and chairs they had been sitting on.

There was loud, insistent banging, that was deafening, and she realised, as she glanced over her shoulder, seeing men in black, wearing balaclavas, entering the apartment, one holding a sawn-off shot gun, what exactly that noise was.

She rounded the corner of the hall, out of sight of the black clothed men, though she could still hear the sound of the shots, as they seemed to be systematically destroying everything in the place. Her room loomed ahead, and Kylo pushed her toward it, a fierce look on his face.

“Get inside. Don’t come out until I say so” he growled.

“Ben-“ she started, and she turned back to her, and gripped her shoulders hard enough to bruise.

“Don’t argue with me – do it. Now” he said, and seemed about to go, but pulled her forward into a hot, urgent kiss before he leaned away.

“Just in case” he said, with an almost smirk on his lips, before he stood up, and walked around the corner, his hands in the air.

She stifled a sob, and crept to the corner, straining to hear what was happening. It was quiet in the room, apart from the odd crack of broken glass under a heavy boot. She caught a glimpse of Ben, being forced onto his knees, as an old man, dressed in a suit and heavy overcoat, walked through the armed thugs and came to stand before him.

“I take it you wanted to see me, Snoke” Ben said dryly. The man looked down at him impassively, before nodding to a man standing by Ben’s side, who leaned down, and landed a heavy punch against his jaw. He swayed forward, one hand braced on the floor.

“Sit up” the older man demanded, and at length, Ben pulled himself back onto his heels. They looked at each other.

“So, Kylo Ren. It has come to this. What a pity”

“I don’t know what-“

“Don’t insult my intelligence more than you already have.” The hateful man shouted down at Ben.

“You thought I wouldn’t find out, about your little mission last night. I didn’t expect there to be survivors”

“You didn’t specify”

“You should have known my expectations, Kylo Ren, the killer. You have changed. I don’t think I have any use of you, anymore.” Snoke said, leaning away, his expression shrewd.

“I am the man I have always been” Ben said, unflinching in the face of the gun that was being lowered to his temple.

“I suppose the reason for this change of heart is here, is she not?” the older man said, his eyes calculating, before he looked up and nodded at one of the black clad men, who turned and started in her direction. Rey shuffled backwards, but there was no time to hide, as the burly man rounded the corner, looking down at her through the eye slits in the mask, giving no indication of the man underneath.

He gripped her hair, and pulled her forward, and she scrambled to keep up, the pressure on her scalp intense, as she stifled a cry.

She was thrown unceremoniously on the floor beside Ben, and she could feel the rage coming off him in waves. When before he had been unflappable in the face of the threat of death, he looked furious now.

The man in the suit smiled, clearly happy with the way that Ben’s body swayed toward her to help, before he caught himself.

“Careful Ren, your weakness is showing.” He said silkily.

“Tell me how she means nothing to you… how she’s just another of your replaceable women… a quick fuck, an open hole… and maybe I’ll let her live” he said, shifting forward on his seat, looking almost excited at the little play he was anticipating seeing before him.

Ben looked at Rey for a long moment, frowning at the cuts on her hands from the glass, her tear stained eyes, before his face settled into resolution.

He turned back to the man who was leering at them, and shook his head slowly.

“No” he said. No one reacted in the room, thought the boss in the suit did blink a couple of times, before an incredulous look came over him.

“No?”

“No.” Ben said simply, and then before Rey could even process what was happening, one of the men, taller than any of the others, turned their shot gun on the others. There were 4 altogether, and after three, lightening-fast shots, their black clad bodies crumpled in a spray of buckshot, and there was only one left standing.

Before Snoke had even finished turning, the last remaining man in black pulled a handgun from his waistband and threw it to Ben, who caught it easily, thumbing off the safety and standing on one fluid motion, he stepped up to Snoke, and pressed the cold metal into the man’s wrinkled temple.

“You should have let me out, when I asked” Ben said simply. Rey looked in trepidation at the man in the balaclava, who obligingly pulled it off. She recognised the bouncer from First Order, the one with the unlikely nickname of Chewie. His face was impassive as he watched the scene in front of him, his shotgun levelled at the door, no doubt in case anything else happened.  

Snoke glanced at his turncoat guard, his face confused.

“You don’t remember where Chewie came from, do you? So long ago, right about the time you sank your claws into an impressionable youth… all those years of loyal service, quiet obedience… but he was never yours” Ben said, crouching in front of the chair Snoke was sitting rigidly in, the gun still cocked at his head.

“He was my father’s man. He was there the day I was born. And when Han Solo realised what had happened, he did the only thing he could. He sent his dearest friend into the devils den, to protect his son, when he couldn’t”

“You should have let me go. And you really shouldn’t have touched _her_.” Ben said, and Snoke’s eyes flew to Rey, who was sitting amongst the wreckage, surrounded by blood and bodies.

“I gave her to you, it was what you wanted, I just gave you what you wanted” Snoke said darkly.

“I gave you an excuse to have her, to bind her to you. You should be thanking me” he spat, his fear making his eyes wild. Ben considered his words, and Rey watched the strong muscles in his back shift, as he stood up slowly, and moved the gun to the centre of Snoke’s forehead, an execution pose.

“I might have wanted it, but I would never have made the choice for her. I’m not like you” Ben said, tensing his shoulders as his finger tightened on the trigger.

“You foolish boy – you _are_ me” Snoke cried out, as the gunshot echoed through the apartment. Rey looked away, unable to watch as Snoke’s body slid from the chair, a sickening thud as it landed on the floor beside her, his unseeing eyes, cruel even in death, staring at a point past her shoulder.

“Rey, are you alright?” Ben was saying, but she could barely hear him over the roaring over her ears. The smell, of blood and death, transported her back to her worst nights at work, but here, in her safe place, it was overwhelming her. She tried to breathe deeply, tried to stay calm, then the thought of the police, the noise of the guns. She felt Ben picking her up, hands under her knees and shoulders, as her head lolled against his chest.

And then, there was darkness.

 

* * *

 

 

Ben watched Rey sleep. He had tended her small cuts, just superficial, himself. Snoke moving against him had moved up his schedule, but it didn’t change anything after all. He had known since Hux had taken Rey, maybe since he had first laid eyes on her, where his story would end.

It was the same place it had been heading his whole life.

She moved, and he indulged himself with reaching out and touching her hair.

Soon she would wake, and the world would press back in.

Soon he would just become a memory, in an otherwise good life.

That was what he had promised her, vowed to himself. Because, there were good things in the world, she had reminded him of that, good people, and they had to be protected.

“Ben?” her voice was just a whisper. They were lying on a bed, entwined together. He had only meant to put her down, but exhaustion and relief had pressed him down beside her. She had gradually moved closer to him, or perhaps it had been him moving toward her. They didn’t seem able to help it, the pull of two souls, desperately searching for their missing pieces. The part that would make them fit, entwined together, forever.

“I’m here, Rey, you’re safe. Everything is ok” he murmured, skimming a hand up and down her arm. He felt her weight sink into him a little, and how he treasured that trust. He had told her not to be afraid, and she had believed him. She trusted him. Which was exactly why he couldn’t break his promise to her.

“What happened?”

“Chewie took care of clean up, don’t worry, everything is taken care off” he said, withholding the most important parts. Rey was not one to be deterred though. She looked up at him.

“Who was that man?”

“The head of East coast operations. The boss, effectively” Ben said, still reeling over the fact that he had done it, killed Snoke, something he had longed wished for.

“Won’t you… what happens now?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure. His men will come for me, and by that time, you need to be gone. I have arranged everything for you and Finn too. How does the West coast sound to you?” he asked. Rey pushed herself up on her arm, and looked at him in shock.

“What?? I can’t just move across the country – I have a life here…” she said, searching his face.

“You’ll have a job there, Finn will have his college, a house for you both. Safety. A life” he said shortly, and saw a tear dash from her eye. He didn’t want Rey to cry over him again, though, there was a part of him, the most selfish, that was gratified that he would be remembered, by someone, without hate in their hearts.

“I can’t leave you” she said stubbornly, and he tucked that sentiment away to treasure.

“You have to. There is no choice to be made. Anyway, sweetheart, I doubt I’ll survive the night.” He said honestly, and Rey sobbed, a soft, tender sound.

“It was self-defence… It was-“

“Murder. It was murder Rey, and it wasn’t the first. Whatever happens… I deserve it, don’t think that I don’t” he said. She dropped her head against his chest and cried into it, the salt of her tears soaking through his t-shirt, and cleansing his soul.

“They are coming to kill you?”

“Probably, or worse…”

“Come with us, let’s just go now, we can disappear” she said, raising her head, her eyes urgently catching his. He smiled sadly at her, shaking his head.

“I can’t. I won’t make you live a life of running. I’m not worth that”

“Yes, you are. You are to me” she said passionately.

“No, sweetheart, I’m not. But thanks for saying it” he said, pressed a gentle kiss to her nose, red tipped by her tears. She stared at him a long time, her eyes searching his.

“You have decided then, I can’t change your mind” she stated. His eyes confirmed it for her.

“I’m sorry for all this. I’m sorry I called you that day, or that I gave Finn the Pink to sell. I’m sorry that you met me” he breathed, feeling laid bare beneath this woman who had made him want to live again. She looked him over, slowly, every inch of his face, and in her eyes, he saw himself in her eyes as she did.

She leaned forward slowly, and pressed her lips against his.

“Don’t say that, please” she whispered against his lips, shifting up on her side, and then, swinging her leg over his hips and straddling him.

“How long do we have?” she asked then, and he was transfixed by her, couldn’t tear his eyes from her.

“Not long, a few hours, maybe” he said. She nodded, and then, her hands fell to the hem of her shirt. She pulled it up and over her head, tossing it to the floor. Her hands then went to her bra and she easily unclipped it, threading her arms through the lace straps, and dropped it to the floor also. He watched her, rapt, barely breathing. She leaned forward to pull his t-shirt up, and he sat up, his hands going to her hips as his top joined hers on the floor.

He slowly ran his fingers up her bare back, and she arched into his light touch. Her breasts slightly brushing his closed lips, as he brought his hands over her shoulder, and then, ever so gently, down and over her soft chest. He cupped the slight swells, ran a thumb over her dusty rose nipples, watching them harden under his touch. Her hands come to the back of his head, and she leaned forward, kissing him deeply. Then, her hands guiding his head, she brought his lips to her skin.

Time seemed to still, he had no idea how long passed between them, there in that intimate darkness.

His mouth worshipped each breast, enveloping her nipples in wet heat. He kissed every inch of her he could reach, and when she stood, slipping off her jeans and underwear, he continued devouring her, until she was lying beneath him, pliant and panting, her fingers twined in his hair, face flushed. She was a vision, and he trembled as she pushed him onto his back once more, and straddled him. She reached out for his wallet, sitting on the bedside table, and flipped through it, biting her lip as she did. He rolled his hips under her, his hardness pressing against her softness, and she laughed, breaking through the tears that she seemed on the cusp of. He could understand it, he felt the same.

She pulled a condom from the confines of the leather, and he breathed a sigh of relief, hoping it wasn’t expired.

She tore the packet and rolled it onto him, and then, positioned herself above him, sinking down violently. The sudden tightness, the pressure around him, sent him sitting up, which in turn pushed him deeper inside her, and she moaned. He stilled then, giving her time, returning his hands to her back, still upright, his face only inches from hers.

She opened her eyes, and looked down into his. With great feeling on her beautiful features, she started to rise and fall, bringing him with her, pressed together, chest against chest, hearts beating in the same rhythm.

He kissed her hard, trying to remember how it felt, committing to memory every touch, every caress, her fingers digging into his shoulders, the faint, hitch in her breathing when he touched something that set her on fire. He wished he had a hundred years to catalogue her body, to memorise her responses, to learn how to make her burn.

But he only had this, now.

She fell apart first, her mouth dropping open, and instead of closing her eyes and losing herself in the feeling, she gripped his face, and once again, caught his eyes with hers, even as her pleasure peaked, and he felt her tightening all around him, felt her heart speed up. Through it all, she let him watch her, shared that feeling with him, and it tipped him right over the edge after her. It was the most powerful release he had ever experienced, in her arms, her eyes drinking in his involuntary groans, the flush of his pale skin, the tightening of every muscle of his body. They were together, through it all, and it was more than he had ever experienced. He couldn’t say what he felt for her, wouldn’t do that, on the cusp of never seeing her again.

Instead, he showed her, and she showed him back.

It was something to treasure, an unforgettable memory, forged together, an ode to their unique connection. It wasn’t usual, this bond between them, he knew it. It was something special, sacred, and he thought, now, at the end, his end, that he could go happily into the night, because he had known her. He had been loved, briefly, wholly. It was a small thing, and it was everything.

It was enough.

 

After, she lay across his chest, her finger tracing infinity over his heart, neither speaking, neither wanting to break the spell.

It took a hard knock at the door, a rapid pattern, to pull them from that hazy place, where they were together, and nothing else mattered.

Ben sat up slowly, and Rey rolled onto the empty side of the bed. The withdrawl of her warmth felt like he was already dying.

“Get dressed, it’s time to go, sweetheart’ he said, and turned to his own clothes. She complied quickly, and stood watching him, wringing her hands nervously. He had three guns on him, and he checked them mechanically.

“Ben?” she asked after a long moment. He looked back to her, and couldn’t stop himself crossing the space between them and taking her in his arms, inhaling the scent of her, clean and perfect.

“Chewie will take you from here, he will take you to Finn, and then the airport” he was saying as he walked her over to the industrial-sized door of the safe house, more of a warehouse, he had used before.

She was nervous, her mouth a white line, her body, seeming so small and vulnerable, all he wanted was to get her far away from whatever was about to happen.

“Stop!” Rey cried, as he slid open the heavy door, seeing his surrogate uncle just outside, communicating with him wordlessly. They were out of time.

“I can’t just never see you again, this is crazy” Rey was saying, trying to put some kind of reason or rationality to the situation. But that was for normal people, with normal lives. It wasn’t for men like him.

He had a dream once, of a different kind of life. A simple one full of simple pleasures. A life free of violence and fear. A dream where a person like Rey could stand by his side, and be proud. A good life. But that dream was never going to be anything other than that, a dream. And now, that dream was over.

 “Go Rey, I don’t want you to see. Please, for me… just, go and be safe. Let me take care of you, this last time” he insisted, pushing her into Chewie’s waiting arms. She fought against it, turned toward him, reaching out. He didn’t let himself take her hands. Instead, he looked to his uncle, who nodded, before effortlessly picking Rey up, around the middle, and starting to take her deeper into the warehouse, and the way that would take them out.

He watched her face, as she was carried away. He wanted to tell her to forget she ever saw this horrible dark world and the half men who live there. He wanted to ask her to remember fondly a boy called Ben Solo, who died young, but was happy, innocent and free. But then he remembers that Rey had never met that man. He wanted to tell her to go and live that good life, but his voice failed him as she disappeared from sight, taking the last of the light from his soul.

 A loud banging came from the other entrance of the warehouse, and Ben turned to face it. He might be outgunned and outnumbered, but he wouldn’t go down without a fight.

He waited for judgement, his heart, already moving away, in the other direction, carried safely within the girl who had made his life worth living, for one, shining moment.

 

Rey couldn’t stop the loud, ragged sobs that were tearing her chest in two, from spilling out. She couldn’t stop wiggling, kicking for all she was worth. She was shocked when one of her random kicks connected somewhere, and she heard Chewie grunt, as he set her gently down. Without waiting for him to get a better grip, she turned and ran as fast as she could in the direction of the room where she’d left Ben.

She wasn’t thinking, her normally rational mind seemed to have dissolved in a solution of heartbreak and desperation.

She rounded the last corner, and paused as she saw the room was now full of men. Chewie had caught up to her, surprisingly quiet for such a big man. He gripped her around the waist, his hand going over her mouth, so she wouldn’t be heard. They were concealed there, unseen, and instead of pulling her away, he let her stay. Maybe he realised she needed to see what was going to happen, or live in wonder forever.

Ben was emptyhanded, despite the number of men piling into the room.

She could only see his back, tall and broad, unbeaten even against these unmeasurable odds.

A man pushed his way to the front, the red-haired one that had taken her. His pale face was unreadable, as he stopped in front of Ben.

“You aren’t an easy man to find…” the redhead said, reaching into a shoulder holster and pulling out a handgun. Rey braced herself to see something that would haunt her nightmares forever, and instead, saw the man hold his gun out, palm up, the grip angled toward Ben. He then bent his head, at a respectful angle, his eyes lowered, deferentially.

“Tell us what to do, boss” he said, and Rey felt Chewie’s hands tighten on her, pulling her away, even as she saw man after man, approach and swear their allegiance to Ben.

Ben’s shoulders were tight, and with the men’s declaration, a heavy weight seemed to descend on them. They slumped in defeat, the inevitability of it all. He reached out, and touched the offered hands and in that moment, she knew Ben was gone. There was only Kylo Ren, the new leader of East coast operations. The man he had tried to fight becoming, and ended up here anyway.

“Come on, we have to go” Chewie said roughly in her ear, finally succeeding in getting her out the back door and into a waiting SUV. She cried loudly, couldn’t help herself. In relief, in despair, her heart hadn’t decided which one.

“What’s-  what’s going to happen to Ben?” she asked, as her tears finally dried, and she recognised the road to the airport and Finn, who should be waiting there for her.

“Ben’s gone.” Chewie said quietly.

“But, it’s better than being dead, isn’t it?” she asked, pleading with Chewie to reassure her. He simply shrugged. Rey looked out the window, seeing a bloody dawn glowing on the horizon.

“Isn’t it?” she asked the rising sun beyond the window.

There was no answer.

 

* * *

 

_2,915 miles away_

 

 

Rey's routine was set in stone. Drop Finn off at college, and then join rush hour traffic to get to the hospital. She inched along, enjoying the time to listen to the radio and dream. 

She watched a woman gesturing madly on the phone outside the window, her car pulled to the side, overheated. Under the harsh Californian sun, the day was already heating up, and she didn't envy the poor soul who was waiting for a pick up. 

Her car, thanks to Chewie, was running better than fine. She had been surprised when he had decided to settle near her and Finn, setting up an auto-shop and establishing himself quickly. He had said there was nothing left for him back East.

He worked hard, didn't talk much and was generally the sort of company she preferred. 

They didn't talk about the man they had left behind. The one who now walked about a dark underworld, overseeing dark deeds, leader of lost boys, who was empty inside.

They never spoke of him, and Rey turned her attention into creating a real life. A good one. One he would be proud of for her. 

She never spoke about him, tried not to think of him, and yet despite her best efforts, she always knew what time it was in New York city. 

 

 

_Bang bang, he shot me down_

  
_Bang bang, I hit the ground_

  
_Bang bang, that awful sound_

  
_Bang bang, my baby shot me down_

 

Also, I have a [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/immortalpen), if you want to come and chat!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys... that's it, the end of the story!
> 
> It was just mini one... however, if you guys really want it, I could be persuaded to do an epilogue... what do you think?
> 
> If you liked, let me know!  
> xx


	9. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter written with Saturday Smile by Gin Wigmore on repeat.

 

It was another endless summer. Each one seemed to get longer in the sunny state she had made home, and toward the end of it, everything felt faded and bleached of colour.

There were things Rey loved about her new city. Parks on every corner, the variety of people, the hope and happiness of it all. But, she missed New York. The traffic and the cold, the blustery wind and biting wit and cynicism of its citizens. Most of all, she missed _him_. She still missed him, even as time slowly passed, months turned into a year, and then that turned into two, and then another.

Still, summer dragged endlessly on, until she lay in bed at night, slick with sweat and loneliness and missed the biting cold of an east coast fall, and the feeling of the calloused hands of a hard and cold man, gentle and warm on her body.

When she first read the news, she could remember perfectly what she had been doing. She had been cleaning her apartment, knowing that Finn was bringing his new girlfriend, Rose, over to meet her. As she cooked pasta and chopped strawberries for dessert, she felt more like Finn’s grandmother than sister.

It was true that romance may be passing her by, with all her commitments, she could never seem to find the time for more than a casual date or two, here and there. An awkward dinner and a rushed episode in her bed afterwards, in the dark, desperation bleeding into need and eventual disappointment. She always made them leave before morning, citing work, and most seemed to be relieved to have an excuse to go. She never called them again afterward. It was a poor substitute for a real relationship, but it was all she could manage.

 

She had been pouring lemon juice over the strawberries, her other hand flicking through her phone when she’d spied the headline.

She could remember the smell of lemons, the stickiness of the juice on her fingers, and the way her heart slowed down, and everything seemed to stop for a moment.

 

**The gangs of New York – finally, an end in sight?**

 

She started to scan the article, when she saw another related headline pop up at the side.

 

**East coast kingpin finally falls in violent and brutal last stand**

_After only 4 years in power, big boss, Kylo Ren, who, according to sources, has made more enemies than friends among other families of power, was the sole casualty in a dispute over territory with the smaller, but no less ambitious Rebellion. The First Order boss Ren, fell under fire from an inside mole from his own organisation. While there are the remnants of the gang to watch closely, according to FBI insiders, they are expecting a break-down of the organisation, without the leadership of its charismatic, dangerous young leader.  No matter the method of execution, his death marks a win for local law enforcement, and a sigh of relief for a country constantly in the grip of vice._

She had stared numbly at the screen, lemon juice pooling on the table, the hum of the AC unit in the background. And then the buzzer had sounded, loud enough to make her jump. She almost knocked the bowl of strawberries off the table in her fright.

“Reyrey, it’s us!” Finn chirped, and she cleaned her hands, her brain numb as she opened the door, and met Rose. A computer programmer who Finn had met in a coffee place, and developed quite the caffeine habit pursing. She was funny and warm, and Rey loved her instantly.

She listened to them talk through lunch, nodded in the correct places, drank wine, and tried not to cry. Now and then she touched her face to check that her smile was still in place.

 

When lunch finally ended, Finn approached her while Rose was in the bathroom. He looked at her with worry.

“I take it you’ve seen the news” he said, and Rey didn’t have to ask what he was referring to. She simply nodded, biting her lip hard to stop the tears that had been building from slipping out. Finn watched her carefully.

“Rey – don’t cry over that guy. He was a bad person”

“I know… I know he was a bad person, most of the time… but he wasn’t always… and maybe it’s ok to cry a little for those times” Rey said, turning her face away. How could she explain to her brother the things that had passed between them in the dark. How a lonely, fractured soul could fit its mate, whose cracked pieces fit perfectly inside her own. How it felt to feel whole for once.

“Do you think Chewie knows?” she asked, running her finger compulsively up and down a crack in her phone case.

“I don’t know. I went by the shop, but it was closed-up. I think he does.”

“Maybe he just wants to be alone for a while… they were close, Chewie and Ben”

“Ben?”

“I mean… Ren” Rey said woodenly, before forcing a smile.

“Probably, I mean, it’s all over now isn’t it? Like, really all over. We can just move on… you don’t have to wait for him, anymore” Finn said, and jolted Rey, as she looked at him in askance, wondering if she had been waiting, and if it really had been that obvious.

“You’re right.” She said, and squeezed his arm, attempting a smile.

“I usually am. Come on, I’m taking my girls out for ice-cream”

 

 

* * *

 

 

She had taken to hanging out at the garage sometimes, when Finn was with Rose, and she had finished her school work, and was off from work. Those times were few and far between, and yet, when one came along, she couldn’t resist. Being around Chewie reminded her of Ben. She was helping Chewie out in the office once day, tidying away invoices and catching up on his paperwork.

“Wow, the rent for this place is huge.” She remarked, going over the columns of numbers. Chewie nodded in agreement.

“I know that you cover it all now, but what about when you started up? You literally came here with nothing.” She looked up at him as he continued to casually clean his nails with a knife.

“I had a silent partner” he said shortly. Rey looked back at the invoices, making sure they were organised by due date, and finished tidying up the last pieces from the table.

“I’ve got to go. I have a date tonight” she said, rolling her eyes at the words, even as something in her cringed at the thought. Chewie raised an eyebrow at her.

“What? Finn says its time to… get back out there, not that I was ever great at it in the first place” she said quietly.

She glanced toward the wall, where Chewie had hung up one thing. He wasn’t the sort to hang up nude calanders or take out menus. Instead, it was one, framed picture. In it there were 3 men. Chewie, a young Ben and someone who resembled him so much, that it had to be his father, Han.

“I made a promise to Ben, that I would live” she said, crossing her arms defensively over her chest.

“I’m just trying to do that” she said, and Chewie’s face softened into a smile. He nodded slowly, and Rey left.

 

* * *

 

 

The day of Rey’s graduation from her course, she had the day off work, and decided to skip the ceremony. It would be boring and she didn’t really know anyone in her class. Instead, she decided to do her favourite thing in her new home state, which was drive up the coast to a small town there, and go to the beach. She dressed in denim shorts and a tank top, put her hair up in buns, slid on flip flops and got in her car. She had just pulled onto the highway, when a strange clunking sound started to come out from the hood.

 

 

15 minutes later, hot and sweaty, Rey marched into the garage, shoving her sunglasses up on top of her head.

“Chewie! What’s the point in doing your books for you if my car breaks down on my one, long awaited graduation-day present to myself-“ she cut off as she noticed how quiet the shop was.

She walked further in, looking for the hulking, gentle giant, hearing a slight tinkering noise coming from the back. Still fuelled by sweat and frustration, she marched toward a car in the pit, and spied long, overall clad legs sticking out the bottom.

“Chewie, can you hear me?”

“It’d be a little hard not to, sweetheart.” the voice, straight from her memories sent her staggering back, her face turning white with shock.

The legs were bending, the trolley underneath rolling smoothly out from under the car, and then, Ben was there.

He got up slowly, raising his hands in front of him, as though to avoid startling her. She could only stare at him in disbelief.

He wiped his hands on his overalls, tied at the waist, his broad upper body covered by a black vest, his arms, white, hewn marble and corded muscle. His face, so familiar, and so changed. A long scar cut diagonally down, starting at his forehead and ending on a cheek. He looked older, changed by their years apart, and then his face melted into a soft grin, and he was younger than she’d ever seen. Free from burden.

“How?” she managed. He didn’t come closer, simply stood and watched her, his dark eyes running up and down her body.

“Chewie.” He said simply.

“He was the inside man? He shot you down?”

“He made it look like he did… it was the only way out” he explained, as she struggled to fit the pieces into place. She couldn’t stop staring at him, part of her wondering if she had passed out in her broken-down car somewhere on the highway, and was hallucinating this whole thing.

Tentatively, she stepped closer to him, one step, and then another. He watched her with a hunger she had never seen the equal off.

Stopping just in front of him, she slowly raised her hand, her fingers trembling in the space between them. She reached out slowly, and touched his chest, finding it solid under her fingers.

“Are you real?” she whispered, almost afraid to ask.

“It’s funny, I’ve been wondering the same thing about you, since we met” he said, bringing his hand up to wrap his long fingers around hers.

How long they stood and stared at each other, Rey had no idea. Time stopped, she had to remind herself to breath, and her heart to keep it’s rhythm.

“You said something about a graduation day?” he said at length, when she felt as though his gaze had feasted on every part of her. She nodded slowly.

“I was going to drive to the beach… walk in the ocean… but my car-“ she gestured behind her, but never took her eyes from him, afraid he would disappear if she did.

“I can drive you, if you want” he said, and there was an unasked question in his tone, one he was too afraid to say out loud. Did she still burn for him, as he did her? Was their connection still the single, most real thing she had ever felt? Was it too late?

Rey looked up at him, her eyes shining.

“I want” she said simply.

 

 

The End


End file.
